Why Relationships Matter

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Conversation is an art form.

Contrarians have a poor choice of verbal tools.

It is possible to alter the negative trend of a conversation with simple language tricks.

If you have ever told your spouse or partner, “Y’know, it feels like you debate everything I say,” and they responded, “No, I don’t,” you may have felt as if you were trapped in a verbal Escher painting. Some people seem to take a tad too much pleasure in contradicting or at least qualifying whatever we say. These people are sometimes referred to as contrarians, and it can be challenging and even disagreeable to be committed to them in long-term relationships.

Most of us assume that there are infinite ways that people can respond during conversations; however, I believe that conversational dynamics tend to fall into patterns. During my 18 years of private practice as a psychotherapist and interacting with thousands of students, I’ve observed that people have default responses with clear motivations: to connect with, comfort, or contradict other people.

Firstly, the human mind has a negativity bias, and my personal philosophical belief is that people subconsciously search for supposed “truth” or accuracy by coming to a synthesis of disparate viewpoints. Attributed to 18th-century German philosophers Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and Johann Gottlieb Fichte, this is what is known as a dialectic: thesis plus antithesis equals synthesis. Colloquially, this occurs when someone states a proposition and another person either contravenes it, debates it, or even just refines it in some way. For example:

A: The sky is blue. B: It’s going to rain later. Thus, a synthesis of the two perspectives offers a more comprehensive understanding of today’s weather.

B: It’s going to rain later.

Thus, a synthesis of the two perspectives offers a more comprehensive understanding of today’s weather.

Intellectually, people often appear to be seeking truth or accuracy by correcting us in some way; however, sometimes it can feel as if our partners are trying to outsmart us or prove something rather than advance the conversation. This condescension usually goes from annoying to insufferable fairly quickly. I often say to couples in session, “You can either be right, or you can be married/in a relationship.”

Sometimes I characterize persistent contrarian tendencies as a failure to attune. Instead of relating to what is said, a contrarian revels in treating the conversation as if it were a contest or courtroom exchange rather than a co-created moment. The irony is that many people are not consciously trying to debate; they honestly believe that they are just helping to disabuse you of being misinformed.

And this is why therapy is so important: Therapists are trained not to invalidate the patient’s emotional experience by saying something that could land as a rebuke or criticism. Conversation is an art form. Many people would benefit from learning how to transmute debate into dialogue like therapists do. This requires meta-awareness — the ability to listen to your own listening — including facial reactions.

The goal is not to eliminate discernment or disagreement but to reframe communications as communion, shared understandings. I often ask my students to replace “Yes, but…” with “Yes, and…” for one week. “Yes and…” validates. “Yes, but…” cancels whatever came before.

You are already familiar with Viktor Frankl’s quote, “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Why Relationships Matter

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Here are seven tricks that I choose from when I feel I’m being baited into a verbal chess match:

1. Awkward silence. Maybe a slight eyebrow raise in disbelief that that’s the direction my partner chose to lead the discussion. Or even saying something such as, “I don’t know how to respond to that.”

2. I may say something such as, “It feels like you’re more interested in scoring points than having a conversation.”

3. I may say something such as, “I’m sorry if I said something that made you defensive. Can we try again, please?”

4. As I’ve mentioned previously, as opposed to making suggestions that could possibly land as criticism, I am particularly fond of handing agency back to my partner by asking, “How can I support you?”

5. And if my partner gets really aggressive, I may choose to play dumb and say something such as, “Help me understand…” then follow with “Help me understand why you are speaking to me like that, please.”

6. If it appears that my partner is truly reveling in trying to prove my opinion wrong, and I don’t wish to pursue the conversation, I might use the phrase, “Is this the hill you want to die on?”

7. When all else fails, I might try this ultimate pattern interrupt: “Please forgive me for not understanding how you are choosing to show your love for me.” This phrase makes your partner ponder what is really going on. It is tacitly saying, “I know that you love me, but your choices are not expressing that love.” It essentially inspires the other person to course-correct without directly blaming them.

So if you notice your partner’s responses trending toward refuting or refining, you may want to add some authentic, compassionate, anti-antagonistic responses to your repertoire in order to help break patterns and dynamics and inspire them to be less contrarian.

One final consideration: language is a tool. Psychologist Abraham Maslow said, “When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem resembles a nail.” Psychoanalyst Bruce Fink said, “Every speech act is a request for love.” If you can believe that what your partner truly wants is love but doesn’t possess the sharpest tools for procuring it, you may see conversations in an entirely new light.

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