Why Relationships Matter

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A fleeting crush doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble. Commitment matters most.

Risk increases when dissatisfaction leads you to seek, fantasize about, or pursue romantic alternatives.

Protect your relationship by reinvesting in connection, setting boundaries, and communicating openly.

After over 12 years of facilitating couples therapy with hundreds of couples, my advice for a healthy monogamous relationship is to stay romantically focused on your partner. Especially in Los Angeles or other major metropolitan areas where there’s lots of attractive people who can become a distraction or source of fantasy with destructive consequences. However, attraction to someone outside of your relationship is not necessarily fatal to a long love.I first heard this contrary point as a young Marine stationed in Japan, walking with a supervisor across our base who exchanged a smile with a gorgeous older woman passing by us. I was 18 and my boss was in his 40s and married. He said something to me that day that has stuck with me, “Matos, it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.”

Surprising recent research suggests that the salty Marine was partially right. If you’ve been in a committed relationship and have been attracted to other people or even had a fleeting crush, it doesn’t immediately equate to significant trouble for your relationship (O’Sullivan, Belu, & Tramonte, 2025).

I’ve worked with many clients, mostly men, on discerning their commitment to their romantic relationships. Often this discernment kicks off after they experience romantic or sexual attraction to women........

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