Making a pivotal life change—such as overcoming a toxic behavior or setting boundaries with a difficult individual—can often seem impossible. Often, though, entrenched beliefs about our identity and who we think we are can get in the way of making positive change.

I witnessed firsthand how difficult making changes was while working as a therapist at an intensive outpatient eating disorder clinic. One of the patients, Amber (not her real name), was a 32-year-old with a long history of bulimia and alcohol. No matter what we tried, Amber could not break free of her eating disorder behavior.

Looking back, I’ve come to understand that Amber’s sense of identity had become strongly fused with her eating disorder. She more than once said to me, “Who would I be without it?” To truly change and heal, Amber would need to move beyond her lifelong identity and set new, healthy boundaries.

Interestingly, I’ve since repeatedly heard the refrain “Who would I be without my (anxiety, depression, etc., fill in the blank)?” Sometimes it’s subtle, other times explicit. Either way, when anyone expresses a need for change, they may fear tearing down what is a well-crafted, lifelong identity.

This is why I often call the identity—the ‘I’ ‘me’ ‘my’ and ‘mine’—the Wizard of I, the hidden part of us that is constructing the identity, as well as protecting and defending it! This hidden self fragments........

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