How could anyone have the arrogant audacity to remake Santa Claus Conquers the Martians?  Who would dare believe they had the power to improve Sharknado?  What hubris is required to rework Battlefield Earth or Freddy Got Fingered? 

When, you may ask, will talent emerge capable of reprising Reefer Madness or Plan 9 From Outer Space? Answer: never.

These blighted works are masterpieces of ‘Sh*t Cinema’, cult movies so bad they’re great.  And which film sits atop the pile, so far up Dross Mountain competitors crick their necks to get a look? 

Well, to purloin a phrase from the classic itself, ‘there can be only one’: Highlander. The worst film featuring Scotland ever made - including Brigadoon.

Highlander is a cavalcade of absurdity and bombast. Yet some fools think they should remake this work of towering madness and folly. 

After years of failed attempts to reboot the original 1986 honker, Highlander is shooting in Scotland. Henry Cavill, famous as Superman, will play Connor MacLeod the eponymous Highlander. 

Henry Cavill on the Highlander set at Eilean Donan Castle (Image: Peter Jolly)

French actor Christopher Lambert played MacLeod in the original, after starring as Tarzan. 

Russell Crowe replaces Sean Connery as the weird Spanish-Egyptian Yoda-esque character Juan Sanchez-Villalobos Ramirez, who sounds like an international terrorist from the 1970s. 

Dave Bautista will play the Kurgan - which could easily be mistaken for a particularly painful bowel ailment - first performed with set-chewing insanity by Clancy Brown.

The entire endeavour is pointless. Highlander is perfect in its awfulness, and perfectly awful. Why remake it? 

To remake it in the spirit of the original is impossible. The original wanted to be sexy, brooding and dark. It’s not. It’s clunky, silly and takes itself far too seriously. It’s like a 13-year-old boy who thinks he’s in the SAS.

The script is bonkers, the acting wooden, the direction and editing brain haemorrhage-inducing. The Queen........

© Herald Scotland