It’s 3.19 am and my brain cells are ricocheting. Nothing to do with the usual sleep-wreckers of money, sex or work but this: how to fit Antoine Semenyo, Bruno Fernandes and Morgan Rogers into my Fantasy Premier League (FPL) team before the season starts on 22 August, without exceeding my budget?

It would be nice to live in a world where FPL doesn’t stop my son calling his team “Saka my Balls FC”

It would be nice to live in a world where FPL doesn’t stop my son calling his team “Saka my Balls FC”

4.24 am: I pore over dozens of players’ stats and watch several FPL influencer videos on YouTube, then try various permutations.

5.26 am: I crack it. I pack my defence with cheap workhorses from lesser teams like Hull, Ipswich and Coventry and can now fit in all Three Midfield Musketeers.

If you don’t know what I’m on about you are probably in the minority. There are now more three million FPL managers in the UK – an estimated 4.3 per cent of the population – and if those three million are anything like me they will probably have mentioned it to the remaining 95.7 per cent of you. Or, in extremis, rendered you briefly catatonic. (“You won’t BELIEVE what happened with my Fantasy team the other day…)

A basic summary: every FPL manager picks a squad of 15, worth a maximum of £100 million. A star like Semenyo costs £8.5 million; a journeyman from Hull, £4 million. You win points when your players score, assist, keep clean sheets or........

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