Four weeks ago, our brave military launched—on my orders—Operation Epic Fury. How incredible is that name? Epic Fury. Sounds like a Mad Max movie. We don’t hear so much about the great Mel Gibson anymore. I remember I first heard that name. I said “Mel? Who names an action star Mel?” But we love him, don’t we? When he called that nasty policewoman “Sugar Tits.” Remember that? Very low IQ policewoman. Disgraceful, and we’re going to be looking into it very strongly. But we love our police.

Operation Epic Fury has been a complete and total success. In four short weeks, we killed Iran’s entire leadership, destroyed their navy, and totally obliterated 168 schoolgirls. Nobody thought we could take out that many schoolgirls at once, but I said to my generals, “We can’t have all these schoolgirls.” So we took them out and I was very honored to do it.

Tonight, I am proud to announce we have won the Iran Excursion. It could have been a war if we wanted, but we didn’t because we love our military. But it was a total and complete victory. Iran is totally destroyed. They can’t even wash their hair. They turn on the shower and it’s just a dribble. They wanted to surrender but I said, “Wait until they can’t wash their hair.” You look at the TV. They’re all walking around with greasy hair.........

© The Daily Beast