The Fundamentals of Sex

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This fall, a number of therapists wrote in to ask me questions on the same theme: What happens to desire when one partner is carrying a lot more of the mental load?

In a relationship, if one person is carrying significantly more of the mental load (by which I mean, keeping track of all the chores and tasks that need to happen in order to maintain a shared household), it’s pretty predictable that their desire will decrease.

Stress tends to kill desire. That’s true in acute situations — i.e., you might not feel very sexy during your most hectic and overwhelming workday. But it’s also true in more chronic, long-term situations, like when the stressors of everyday life add up to the point that sex just starts to feel like another checkbox on the to-do list.

There’s a combination of things going on here:

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s hard for desire to bloom.

If the burden of maintaining your shared life is unevenly divided, it creates........

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