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The fear of being "that person" can keep us from speaking up about things that matter to us.

Fitting in is the demand to minimize our differences, while belonging requires us to share our differences.

Conflict avoidance comes at the cost of meaningful recognition and connection.

I didn’t want to join the PTA.

My roles as parent, husband, therapist, writer, educator, community helper, and doubles tennis partner already left me no time to pine for more. I didn’t need more meetings or another email thread to colonize my attention. Most of all, I did not want to step out of the comfort of familiar relationships and into potential conflict with people I knew less well.

And yet, I felt I had to. I had concerns about our school community that affected my family and friends deeply, and I wanted to address them.

Like most of my clients and friends, I’m sure you’ve had your own version of this. You identify a concern, consider saying something to the person responsible, rehearse how you might bring it up, and then imagine how it could go wrong.

What if I upset them? What if I’m too much? What if I become… that person?—the nagging, dramatic, irritating person who harshes the group vibe.

So you decide to drop it, play it cool, and say, “Actually, I don’t really care.” Or you speak with an apologetic tone (as if to ask a question, timidly). And as a result, you reject yourself before the other person has the chance to consider your point. Meanwhile, the concern eats away at your insides.

But why do we minimize our needs and desires in the face of others? What are we afraid of?

According to research, people often retreat from conflict out of a fear of losing social inclusion, experiencing rejection, or failing to “fit in” (Brown, 2010).

Fitting In vs. Belonging

Social researcher Brené Brown........

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