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The moment right after a meltdown feels like the best time to teach the lesson. It's not.

Reopening the incident right then ("why did you do that," "we talked about this") doesn't teach anything.

Repair and teaching are two different jobs on two different timelines.

Here is a scenario I have heard recounted to me in various forms over many years. The screaming has stopped, and you feel your tense shoulders finally starting to relax. Your child is calm, or close to it. Maybe the setting is on the edge of the bed, or out on your deck, in a supermarket, or at a holiday dinner (yep, those are the most memorable ones). And here comes the pull that almost every parent feels: now's the time to explain why that was wrong—to talk it out/learn from it—while it's fresh. That instinct is nearly universal, and it's backward.

Appearing Calm Enough to Listen Does Not Mean Calm

Now consider the distinction almost no parent has had named for them: "appearing calm enough to listen" and "calm"........

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