The Fundamentals of Sex

Take our Sexual Satisfaction Test

Find a sex therapist near me

The desire to form romantic relationships is universal, yet it often collides with the fear of rejection.

Adopting optimistic expectations about one’s romantic prospects may help people surmount rejection fears.

Sexual arousal can fuel that hope, even when the other person’s interest is unclear.

“You’re attractive and smart, but I’m looking for something else.”

“You’re attractive and smart, but I’m looking for something else.”

I used to think this was a clear, kind way to reject someone. I was wrong.

In one pilot study, I tested different rejection messages to see which ones would make people clearly understand that a potential partner was not interested. At first, I softened the rejection with compliments because I did not want participants to feel unnecessarily hurt.

But after several rounds of testing, I realized something important: when rejection is mixed with warmth or flattery, people often do not fully register it as rejection. They ignore the “no” and cling to the part they want to hear. By trying to be “nice,” I was actually providing the fuel for their fantasies.

That pattern will feel familiar to anyone who has watched He’s Just Not That Into You or spent time in the modern dating world. One person is interested; the other doesn’t reciprocate but avoids saying so directly. The hopeful partner then fixates on the one “nice” text message while ignoring a mountain of evidence that the feeling isn’t mutual.

The Science Behind the Self-Deception

In our recent research,1 we asked: When are people most likely to mistake mixed signals for real interest? We know........

© Psychology Today