We’ll start with core therapy models. Stay with me; there's a payoff.

When I was training as a therapist, I learned the theories of healing that I was expected to know. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) both appealed to me and rubbed me the wrong way. (CBT is a therapy that focuses on changing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors into more adaptive, helpful ones.) On one hand, it offered structure and practical tools. On the other hand, language like core schemas made people sound like science projects, and cognitive distortions often felt shaming to me. The implicit message sometimes landed like this: You’re depressed because you believe you’re a piece of garbage. Let me help by pointing out that your thinking is wrong—it’s distorted.

Nonetheless, that was the theory. And because it was the theory, we were tested on it.

Another of the individual-oriented models I was taught, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) resonated more. Albert Ellis’s irreverence—“musterbation” and “don’t should on yourself” referring to “I should” and “I must” thoughts—was refreshing. Ellis called unhelpful beliefs irrational, which I could tolerate more than distorted. At least irrational left room for context and sounded just a tad less judgey to me. But more importantly, REBT pushed me to consider a question that would shape my work from that point forward: Do thoughts come first, or do........

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