Secretary of War Pete “Happy Hour” Hegseth approached the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and asked the president, “Have you had a chance to read my recruitment proposal for the Marines, sir?”

“Of course I had the chance,” replied Trump.

“What did you think of it, sir?” asked Hegseth.

“I didn’t actually read the damn thing,” retorted the president. “I don’t read. Now, if you’d made it into, like, an animated cartoon or a comic book or a Kanye West song, then it might’ve grabbed my attention. Print is dead.”

“Could I go over it with you now, Mr. President?” asked Hegseth. At Trump’s dark scowl, the secretary said, “It’s rather urgent, sir.”

“Is it more important than taking Greenland?” asked Trump.

“Well, it’s related, sir,” replied Hegseth. “If we… you… decide to put boots on the ground in Nuuk, then it may be of paramount importance.”

“Go on, then,” said Trump, snapping the tab on a can of Diet Coke.”

“I am concerned,” began Hegseth, “that the best men of recruitment age are going not to the Marines, but rather, to ICE.”

Trump slurped noisy from his can. “How do you account for that?” he asked.

“Well,” said Hegseth, if a man joins ICE, then he get forgiveness of his college loans, a $50,000 signing bonus, a free weekend at Mar-a-Lago and free entry in a raffle for a trumpstore.com bling bag. They also are paid three times what we’re allowed to pay our Marines.”

“There’s a reason for the inducements for ICE,” explained Trump.........

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