Having a close, loving family is a goal for most people, and while some people clearly have that, not all do — even if it seems that way from the outside. This is known as enmeshment, which is a dysfunctional pattern that can show up in any relationship, but especially within a family system.

“A lot of times people will think of enmeshment as a positive thing ... sometimes enmeshment can appear like closeness, but really it’s still a dysfunctional pattern,” said Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas.

“When this is present in a family system, there are not good boundaries, which means that people don’t have personal agency and autonomy in the way that they ought to,” Harris noted.

This isn’t to say you should have strict boundaries that push your family away (unless that’s what is safest for you), it’s a good thing to help your family members out when you’re able or support them during tough times.

But, there are some red flags that the kind of support your family needs from you is actually enmeshment. Here’s what to know:

1. You make your family member’s problems your own.

“Individual problems are family problems. Family problems are individual problems. There’s just no distinction between an individual and the family system,” said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia.

The main difference between a healthy familial relationship and enmeshment is this, she noted.

“You can be there for family and listen and help out and do whatever you can, but then if you’re part of an enmeshed family, then it feels like it’s your responsibility to figure out how to help that family member,” Sagaram explained.

There is no separation from you and the problem, and it becomes all-consuming, Sagaram added.

From the outside, enmeshment can look like closeness in a family, but it's actually robbing family members of their sense of self.

2. You feel guilty when you don’t help a family member out.

“A big part of enmeshment is the guilt feeling,” said Sagaram. You may feel guilty for stepping away from your family, for instance, or for saying no to an outlandish request, she said.

When you do try........

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