First off, to the antisemites out there, I would like to commend you for your commitment to this narrative. Few groups of people would hold onto something so meaningless for so long and not seem to lose an ounce of enthusiasm for it. You truly are the excited puppies of humanity. Unfortunately, over the last one thousand years or so, the rest of us have moved on. The truth is, you just aren’t as good at this whole antisemitism thing as you think you are. It’s just not fun to engage with you anymore. We know the talking points and rhetoric, and to be frank, it’s a bit dated and dull. Maybe I can help.

While you are clearly very good at refocusing your own demons, you are pretty terrible in your methods of attack. As America’s Rebbitzman, I feel obligated to help you be a better antisemite. This isn’t for your benefit, mind you, it’s for the rest of us. If we are forced to constantly engage with you, we want it to be a challenge. We are the people of the book, not the people of the coloring book, so we really need you to step up a bit if you want to rile our feathers.

How we look: I am not well-versed in the aesthetic frailties of Europe in the 1300s, so maybe back then, when this antisemitic nose size “zinger” first came out, it was a deep cut for a person to hear. The problem is that today, this really doesn’t quite pack the........

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