Can I shock you? I like Andy Burnham. Not in a gay way. More that, when he comes on the TV, I don’t throw a sock at him. As hard as I try, I can’t bring myself to hate our new Prime Minister. He seems a nice bloke, a committed family man, sincere in his desire to house the homeless, bring the country together, and promote fewer bad things and more good things. I also like the Smiths, cricket, and pubs; if we went for a pint, we’d probably get along. Yet premiers are not judged by their fondness for Scampi Fries. More’s the pity; them’s the breaks.

An algorithmic parody of what a Northern Prime Minister should be like – Andy Capp with the nuclear code

An algorithmic parody of what a Northern Prime Minister should be like – Andy Capp with the nuclear code

But I do struggle to take Burnham seriously. As I’ve said elsewhere, he seems almost ChatGPT-generated, an algorithmic parody of what a Northern Prime Minister should be like – Andy Capp with the nuclear codes. Chips and gravy and a pint of Tetley’s. Football. Oasis. Trams. Wanging on about Margaret Thatcher. An inability to go 20 seconds without mentioning he’s from above Watford Gap. If this chippiness was ploughed into getting an Ashes Test for Headingley or Old Trafford, I wouldn’t mind. But he insists on doing more – on actually being Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I just find this ludicrous.

Perhaps I should be more scared. This is, after all, the most left-wing government of my lifetime, rhetorically committed to doing a whole host of mad and bad things. From wealth taxes and mass council housebuilding to........

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