The enormous fun of Crufts has reminded us that Britain is a nation of dog lovers. Or maybe we’re kidding ourselves? Because policy documents on the Green party website reveal that they are ‘opposed to the wholesale breeding, manipulation and destruction of those animals who are chosen as companions to the human race’. What marvellously grandiose language! The next time I give the cat a treat I shall cackle evilly about choosing it as my companion for wholesale manipulation.

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The Greens continue: ‘We will introduce measures to regulate the care and conditions for such animals, including a two-tier system of dog-licensing (breeding and non-breeding), licensing of all animal breeders and dog owners.’

The stern and authoritarian tone of this stern and authoritarian policy is yet another example of the curious mismatch between different parts of the Greens’ policy portfolio. Dogs must be licensed, but illegal immigrants can come on in. Famously, they are also pro the legalisation of all recreational drugs, but plan to come down very hard on cigarettes.

In the event of a Green victory, we could........

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