The idea of TV soap operas was originally, at least in part, to reflect the nation as a whole. This was never really true – out of dramatic necessity, the characters in these shows take an unusual interest in one another’s business and tend to have peculiarly eventful lives. But it was more true than today, when soaps – for all their obsession with ‘issues’ – are squeamish and avoidant, preferring to duck difficult topics.

Here is my attempt to restore the balance with a more honest soap opera, where all the problems of modern Britain are concentrated in one place. Everything is absolutely fine on… Yookay Street.

SCENE 1 – THE STREET. Afternoon

We open on a long, terraced urban street with a corner shop at one end and a pub at the other. Unusually, there are lush green fields visible at one end and an enormous mountain at the other.

But here on the main drag, we follow SHIRLEY SMITH, 50 – very normal – as she returns home from work. She makes her way over the rainbow-striped LGBTQIA zebra crossing and ducks under the Palestinian flag draped from a lamppost, navigates her way around the Hostile Vehicle Mitigation barriers outside the pub, passes the mural of Paddington Bear which looks down on the vape emporium, the candy store and the line of three Turkish barbers shops.

A wild-eyed woman leaps suddenly from an alley into the street, shouting loudly and randomly. This is AMELIA, 35.

AMELIA: Vaginas! Vulvas! Perineums and penises! Free free Palestine!

Shirley smiles tolerantly. She’s become used to this.

SHIRLEY: Hello Amelia love. Haven’t seen you about for a while.

Shabana Mahmood has said the quiet bit out loud

Jaguar’s new electric car is a terrible mistake

The Tories love Kemi – but who loves them?

AMELIA: Evening Mrs Smith. Yes, the job keeps me very busy. But I think it’s very important to get out of Westminster and to interact with my constituents and our communities as often as I can. And how are you?

SHIRLEY: I’m fine, fine. Everything is absolutely fine.

Behind them, a huge brawl breaks out between 20 men, all wielding machetes.

AMELIA: Oh good. Bye!

She heads off up the street, shouting –

AMELIA: Men are women! All property is theft! Up the Lionesses!

Shirley smiles and shakes her head, then finding herself at her front door, lets herself in.

SCENE 2 – THE SMITHS’ LIVING ROOM

The very normal living room of Bill and Shirley Smith. BILL, 50, sits in front of the enormous TV. He is not watching any programme in particular, just shuffling through endless identical title cards.

Bill and Shirley are at the very ordinary end of the soap scale, like Pauline and Arthur of........

© The Spectator