Journalism 101 – a course I have yet to complete – dictates that if you have something salient to say you should get there fast. So right now, I should mention that this is my last ever column for the Guardian. I’ll level with you: I spent a long time wondering how to write it. At first, I thought it should be about all the things I’ve learned, purely because that would be a hell of a lot shorter than a column about all the things I keep failing to learn, no matter how many times I make the mistakes. For example: if you’ve got a good joke, you’d best put it in the intro. (Why is there literally no joke in this intro?)

Or: remember that people love the piss-taking until it strays into the arena of something they like, when it suddenly becomes wholly unacceptable. Take the time I wrote: “Arguing on the internet is like playing real tennis: even if you win, you’re still a twat”. This prompted an immediate missive from a member of the Cambridge University real tennis club, which appeared on the letters page under the headline “Real tennis has been served badly by this unfair slur” and began: “Like many Guardian readers, I have thoroughly enjoyed and always look forward to reading Marina Hyde’s witty and caustic commentaries on the world about us. However …” Incidentally, I told this story at one book tour event, and then at the signing afterwards, a lovely young lady came up to get a book dedicated to her father, Jeremy. And of course, she said: “I should probably mention, he’s the guy who wrote in from the Cambridge University real tennis club.” Truly, the circle of life. To Jeremy, and the many other Jeremies who have written in over the years, let me just say: we all know the real twats are rackets players.

In the end, though, this could only be largely a column of thanks. I’ve ended up covering so many things over my time at the Guardian – from World Cups to Olympic Games to just the 47 general elections – but for the past few years, my permanent berth has been here in the Opinion section. And I want to pay tribute to all the people on this hallowed desk. I have tried to be the easiest columnist to........

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