The Fundamentals of Sex

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Desire differences are one of the most common problems couples discuss in therapy.

Most men experience spontaneous desire. Most women need to be turned on before they want sex.

Pressure and stress shut down responsive desire, so pushing harder usually backfires.

Arms crossed, jaw tight, eyes on the floor. As a couples therapist, I see this man in my office all the time. He says, “I’m tired of being the only one who wants it.” When you’ve been turned down over and over, it starts to feel less like what you’re hearing is “not tonight,” and more like it’s “not you.”

Maybe you feel like you have tried everything to make your partner want sex with you. It just seems like she never does, no matter what you do. Beyond feeling sexually frustrated, you feel rejected, unwanted, and unattractive. You may tell yourself stories that something is wrong with you, like your sexual performance or the way you look, or stories about how your wife is the problem, such as that she has a “low libido” and needs to work on her desire herself.

These stories make sense. They’re also usually wrong.

Desire discrepancies are common. Far from being the exception, differences in sexual desire are a part of most relationships (Fogel Mersy & Vencill, 2023). Your relationship is probably normal. And so is your wife.

The Science: When Arousal Comes First, Before Desire

Your wife not wanting sex out of the blue is not the same as your wife not wanting sex with you. She probably does experience sexual desire, just not in the way that you expect.

Most men (75%) have a primarily “spontaneous” desire style; the feeling of randomly, out of the blue, wanting sex. However, for most women, sexual arousal actually precedes the feeling of sexual desire. Only........

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