How Can I Manage My Anger?

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Holding onto anger floods your body with stress hormones, actively accelerating cellular aging.

The physical chemical flush of anger takes only 90 seconds; staying angry after that is a cognitive choice.

Centenarians in Blue Zones share a secret: they move past disagreements quickly and prioritize joy.

When I was four years old, my parents, my sister, and I went to the drive-in theater to see Mary Poppins. It was one of the first movies I ever saw, and I was absolutely mesmerized by Dick Van Dyke’s energy, enthusiasm, and joyful character.

Did you know he recently turned 100 years old? And he is still doing quite well.

Naturally, people want to know his secret. When asked how he has aged so magnificently, he didn't credit a strict diet, an intense workout regimen, or an expensive supplement. He attributed his century of life to maintaining a positive outlook and making a conscious choice not to get angry.

One of my first childhood heroes ended up living the exact life he portrayed on the silver screen. His secret perfectly aligns with what I have found in exploring the higher reaches of human psychology over the past 30 years: A long, happy life isn’t about avoiding tragedy or frustration. It’s about cultivating an internal environment where anger cannot survive for long.

The Physiology of Resentment

What does chronic anger actually do to our bodies?

When we hold onto resentment, our body stays in a constant state of "fight or flight." It floods our system with cortisol and adrenaline. Think of it like pouring an acidic substance over your internal organs. Over time, this chronic inflammation wears us down, damages our blood vessels, weakens our immune system, and literally accelerates cellular aging.

There is a famous saying: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Conversely, having a positive mental outlook is like feeding your body a fresh, organic salad. But this brings up a crucial question: If I never get angry, am I not just practicing toxic positivity and suppressing my true feelings?

In my practice, I have seen many people who are outwardly kind and gentle but carry immense, unacknowledged pain inside. Suppression is dangerous; if we don't deal with our valid emotions, they will make us sick or manifest as psychological disorders. We must learn to process anger without letting it poison us.

The 90-Second Rule and "The Bear"

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a renowned neuroanatomist, researched the physiological lifespan of an emotion. She found that when we are triggered, the chemical flush of anger takes exactly 90 seconds to process through our bloodstream.

After a minute and a half, the physical reaction is over. If we remain angry after those 90 seconds, it is because our brain is choosing to rethink the thoughts that initially triggered the loop.

When I feel angry, I call it "my bear." When the bear comes out, I give it 90 seconds. I watch it, I understand it, and I don't deny it. But the most important thing is this: I do not feed it, and I do not act on it. I just let the chemical wave run its course. I become the observer of my anger, knowing it will soon pass.

How Can I Manage My Anger?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from anger

Once I am calm, I can make a conscious choice about whether I need to address the situation. Usually, I don't. But so many of us feed the bear. We stew on the injustice, create stories, and make the anger worse until the bear wants to come out and rip people apart. That never goes well.

We must find ways to return to joy. Consider the great cellist Pablo Casals. He lived to be 96. In his later years, he suffered from terrible arthritis and emphysema; he could barely walk in the mornings. But he discovered that the moment he sat at the piano to play Bach, his breathing stabilized, his posture straightened, and his arthritis seemed to vanish.

By creating a passionate, positive engagement with life, he physically lubricated his own body. My own grandmother, who lived to be 90, was the same way. She had her aches and pains, but the moment we sat down to play board games together, the complaints vanished entirely.

In the "Blue Zones"—regions where people live the longest, such as Okinawa, Japan—there is no word for retirement. They have Ikigai, a "reason to get up in the morning." Their culture emphasizes low stress, frequent laughter, and moving past disagreements quickly. They choose not to carry the heavy aging burden of chronic resentment. They are a whole community of Dick Van Dykes!

Cultivating Your 100-Year Smile

How do we start doing this today? Here are three practices to break the anger loop:

1. Ask: Will this matter in five years? The next time someone cuts you off on the freeway or makes a rude comment, ask yourself if it will matter in five years. If the answer is no, do not give it more than 90 seconds of your energy. Let the bear go back into its den.

2. Hunt for the Humor. Train your brain to look for the absurdity in a situation rather than the offense. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus advised that if someone speaks ill of you, do not take offense, but reply: "The man did not know the rest of my faults, for he would not have mentioned these only." Laughing it off breaks the cortisol loop immediately.

3. Create an Anger Expiration Date. If you have a legitimate disagreement with a spouse or friend, allow yourself to feel angry, but put a hard time limit on it. Say, "I am going to be mad about this until dinner, but then I am choosing to let it go." Rehashing old hurts only poisons your own soul.

In life, we cannot control the traffic, the economy, or the way other people treat us. But we possess absolute sovereignty over how long we allow anger to live in our bodies. Choose to let it pass through you, and anchor your life in joy.

And if you need a little help finding that joy, perhaps it is time to watch Mary Poppins again.

Bolte Taylor, J. (2008). My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey. New York, NY: Viking.

Buettner, D. (2008). The Blue Zones: Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who've Lived the Longest. Washington, D.C.: National Geographic Books

Epictetus. (1928). The Discourses as Reported by Arrian, the Manual, and Fragments. (W. A. Oldfather, Trans.). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

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