The Importance of Empathy

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Good communication identifies emotions and responds empathically.

Multiple adverse communication behaviors can interfere with this.

Some adverse communication behaviors reflect bad habits.

Other adverse communication behaviors are often mistakenly viewed as helpful.

From my personal and teaching experiences, I’ve found the need to recognize common problems with communication. Surprisingly, we often don’t recognize adverse interactions. I’ll outline some pitfalls here.

I confess that I have personal experiences with both imperfect communication and not being aware of it. I’m a physician, and this example is from medicine, but the problem I exhibited is universal. A friend asked me to evaluate his grandmother for abdominal pain. In examining her, I tried to find out the details of her pain. But her focus was her sick husband (“I’m worried he’ll die”) and their financial situation (“It makes me feel hopeless”).

Becoming frustrated, I redirected her repeatedly with comments like, “Where exactly is the pain?” or “How have your bowels been?” I interrupted her to get to the point of why (I thought) she came to the clinic.

Eventually, holding my hand up like a policeman, I impatiently said, “Look, I need you to pay attention to what I’m saying!”

She cried. I was horrified. I’d made this poor older woman cry.

Adding to my guilt the next day, my friend quizzically asked, “Grandma said you made her cry?”

I felt ashamed, “How could I have done this?” She didn’t return for her follow-up visit.

Let’s look at some things I had to learn that might be helpful to others. You've probably heard comments like, “The problem is communication; if these two would just talk to each other,” or “You’re not listening to what I say,” or “That’s not at all what I meant.” And maybe you’ve attended a party where people simply talk at each other, not really listening to what the other says. Data suggest that listeners miss half of what the other said and retain only one-fourth of it when questioned later.1 These problems are the norm, perhaps even worse among our leaders. We hear comments almost daily about failing to solve problems, such as climate change, gun control, or immigration. The usual answer, “…we can’t solve this until we communicate better…”

Kate Murphy, James W. Pennebaker, and others have identified many poor listening and facilitative behaviors.1,2 Some of the adverse interviewer behaviors will be familiar, while others, especially those that appear well-intentioned, may surprise you.

Common communication pitfalls

In one way or another, the interviewer’s following communication behaviors interdict the speaker’s topic, interfere with their expression of feelings and personal concerns, and jeopardize a strong relationship. And they often make the interviewer and/or their interest the focus of an interaction.

Interruption: A common problem in those who need to control an interaction and an especially harmful action where there’s a power differential, such as parent-child, boss-employee, or physician-patient (see my example).

Vague or illogical response: Often deliberately obfuscative, this simply ignores the speaker’s concern and jeopardizes the interviewer’s credibility, likely destroying any relationship if the problem is repeated.

Not responding: Similarly, ignoring the speaker’s interests will almost inevitably shut down effective communication and probably jeopardize future interactions. If you lack time or interest, let the speaker know and arrange a later time if you wish to continue.

Exhibiting disinterest: Sighing and looking away or at one’s watch, for example, are other clear-cut deterrents to a good conversation. Even if you’re not interested, let the speaker know. While they may not like it, you've stayed on track. If you're interested but busy, set a later time to talk.

Distraction: Often inadvertent, this problem can ruin an interaction even when both are interested in what the speaker has to express. Put the cell phone down, turn the TV off, close the door, and avoid many other commonplace distractions.

Negative behaviors: This is another problem where both are interested, but the interviewer’s distracting behavior interferes. Avoid fidgeting, scratching, tapping a pencil or one’s foot, looking out the window, doing one’s makeup, picking/biting fingernails, and the like.

Minimizing the speaker's concern: Again, well-intentioned but terribly harmful. When someone raises a concern, such as fear of death or disability or job loss, you can assume they want to talk about it. Actively listen. If you don’t have time, set a time to follow up.

The Importance of Empathy

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Suggesting the cause or solution for a problem: The urge to be helpful can interfere with hearing someone out and being supportive. It’s usually best to resist trying to analyze and solve a problem (“Just ask her again, she probably was having a bad day”) and better to just facilitatively listen. Wait until asked before offering solutions.

Sharing one's own experience: Typically well-intentioned, changing the topic to one’s own experiences, even if they are relevant to the speaker’s concern (“I had the same thing happen…[expands on it]”), should not occur unless asked, especially early in an interaction.

Inappropriately encouraging a positive take: Reassurance may seem useful and make the interviewer (not the speaker) feel better about being helpful, but it’s not supportive. If someone raises an issue, they want to talk about it, not be falsely reassured.

If you notice any of these communication pitfalls in your own life, you can replace the adverse practices with person-centered communication skills. I want to briefly review what, in my opinion, is something anyone can do in a troublesome situation. Upon identifying an emotion, use the empathic skills, one or two at a time throughout the interaction: Name, Understand, Respect, and Support (NURS):

Name the emotion: “So you feel upset (happy, angry, etc.).”

Understand the emotion: “I can sure understand that.”

Respect the emotion: “You’ve been through a lot.” (Acknowledge plight) “You’ve worked hard on this.” (Praise)

Support the emotion: “Let’s take a look at this together.”

You can find considerable detail on these and all the other person-centered skills in an earlier post and in my recent book, Has Medicine Lost Its Mind? (Chapter Six).3

Murphy K. You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters: Celadon Books, 2019.

Pennebaker JW. Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. New York: The Guilford Press, 1997.

Smith R. Has Medicine Lost Its Mind?: Why Our Mental Health System Is Failing Us and What Should Be Done to Cure It. Essex, CT: Prometheus Books (an imprint of The Globe Pequot Publishing Group, Inc.), 2025.

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