Take our Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Test

Find a therapist to heal from trauma.

Attempts to heal old wounds can recreate them when protective habits trigger feared responses.

Familiar relationship dynamics can feel right without being healthy or safe.

Breaking a cyclical relationship pattern requires comparing one's protective moves with their effects.

Why do people who felt ignored growing up sometimes find themselves fighting desperately to be heard by a partner? Why might someone terrified of abandonment pursue reassurance so intensely that their partner pulls away?

The past is often present. Our early relationships can shape how we connect with others as adults (Fraley et al., 2013; Tan et al., 2016). We may be drawn to partners who physically resemble our parents (Bereczkei et al., 2004). And even when our partners are quite different, we can find ourselves recreating similar emotional patterns (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2006) we experienced growing up (Fraley, 2002).

In over 15 years of helping clients navigate relationship struggles and trauma, I’ve noticed a recurring pattern: Sometimes, in our attempts to heal old wounds, we can unintentionally reproduce them. Most of us have seen this happen with friends or family members who continually seem to find themselves in similarly painful situations. And if we look closely enough, we can probably recognize some version of this pattern in ourselves.

Freud (1920/1955) called this repetition compulsion: the tendency to revisit painful experiences or patterns, even when doing so seems to defy what we wish most deeply for ourselves.

One clinical explanation is that part of us is seeking a different ending. If I can finally get this unavailable person to love me, perhaps I can undo or heal the pain of the one who didn't. But in trying to change the ending, we can find ourselves reliving the same story.

Why The Familiar Can Feel So Right

We’re drawn to what's familiar, often without realizing it. Advertisers capitalize on this through the mere-exposure effect: Repeatedly seeing a product or brand can make us more likely to favor it, even when we don't consciously remember seeing the advertisements (Janiszewski, 1993; Shapiro, 1999; Zajonc, 1968). But the mere-exposure effect can lead us to overlook a crucial truth: What feels familiar isn’t necessarily good for us.

This offers a useful analogy for why familiar relationship dynamics can feel so compelling, even when they're unhealthy, potentially retraumatizing, and/or painful. Consider someone who grew up with a critical, emotionally distant parent. As an adult, they're particularly sensitive to a partner's distracted tone. They press for reassurance, then protest when it doesn't come quickly........

© Psychology Today