Why Relationships Matter

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Understanding why someone hurt you doesn’t erase that they hurt you.

Empathy and accountability can exist at the same time.

Self-reflection becomes harmful when it causes you to distrust your own experience.

You can understand someone’s pain without taking responsibility for their behavior.

Daniel’s father was furious with him for not inviting his latest girlfriend. Daniel had met several girlfriends over the years, many of whom had disappeared almost as quickly as they appeared. After getting to know these girlfriends only to have to say goodbye shortly after, he decided he didn’t want to keep getting involved. He told his father he’d meet a new girlfriend only after the relationship lasted at least six months.

His father didn’t take it well. He called Daniel selfish, complained to other family members behind his back, and announced he wouldn’t go back to Daniel’s house without the girlfriend.

Daniel was hurt and angry by his father’s reaction. However, almost immediately, he started explaining his father’s behavior to himself.

My dad was abandoned as a child. He’s always been sensitive to rejection. Maybe this felt like another rejection. Was six months too harsh? I could have just let him bring her over. What’s the harm? Maybe supporting him means supporting his relationships too.

Quickly, Daniel wasn’t thinking much about how his father’s response affected him. He was building a case for why his father had responded that way, and slowly talking himself out of his own feelings.

I know I have done this myself. Have you? Understanding why someone hurt you doesn’t require you to explain away the hurt they have caused.

Psychology helps us understand why people behave the way they do. We know more about trauma, attachment, family........

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