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Defensiveness drives people away; humility draws them in.

Criticism can become fuel for growth and promotion when handled skillfully.

Paradoxical interventions can frequently spark rapid personal change.

I once treated a software programmer — let’s call him Bhagwant — who initially seemed difficult to help. He was angry, paranoid, and chronically at odds with other people. He came for treatment because of “low self-esteem.”

I asked for an example of a specific moment when he’d felt that way. He said that very morning, he’d received a terrible performance evaluation because everyone on his team was complaining he was impossible to work with. Bhagwant had defended himself fiercely. He told his boss they were jealous because he was the smartest and most creative member of the team. He also insisted they were prejudiced because he was from India, had darker skin, and looked different. His boss was unimpressed. She told him he had three weeks to shape up or he’d lose his job.

Bhagwant asked me if there was any hope for him. He said he’d had mood problems for years, and it seemed as if everyone was against him.

I told him I thought I could help him improve both his self-esteem and his relationships. Then I added that I doubted he would want what I had to offer.

He looked startled. “Why wouldn’t I want it?”

I said, “Bhagwant, your situation really is unfair. I believe that you are incredibly smart and creative, and you deserve their support. They don’t support you, and they certainly sound a bit racist. They criticize you and want you gone. Frankly, they sound pretty screwed up. But here’s my problem. They’re not here asking me for help.”

He nodded vigorously.

“That means,” I continued, “that you would........

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