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Competitive urges are natural and essential for survival.

Threats can trigger increased competitive urges.

We can counterbalance this by tending to our other motivational system: our affiliative/caring system.

Yesterday my daughter came home from school with a test result: 61 out of 70. But she was quiet and I knew something was up.

I assumed she thought she’d not done well, so started to reassure her that this was a good result.

But that wasn't the problem.

She explained that this was the third time in a few weeks where her best friend had scored a few marks higher than her. She couldn't help comparing herself to her friend, which made her determined to try hard to avoid being left behind.

Why We Compare Ourselves to Others Like This

This is due to the natural competitive motivations within us; there to help us reach goals essential for surviving and thriving—a secure status in our social group, money, food, a home, or a mate.

Healthy competitiveness can sharpen our skills, push us to try hard, and drive us toward personal growth. But sometimes competitiveness takes over in an unhealthy way, leaving you comparing yourself to everyone, obsessing about results, or distancing yourself (or even feeling hostile toward) friends and colleagues.

The story shared by the renowned shame researcher Brené Brown about her weekly swim is excellent at conveying how instinctive this competitive urge is. In this, she describes the deeply primal reaction she gets when someone comes alongside her in the swimming lane—how this intense urge to finish the length before them takes over (even though she’s not in a race with them).

If you’ve noticed this occurring in yourself, then know that it’s very normal. This was what had happened with my daughter with her math results, causing her to focus outwardly on comparisons rather than her own achievements.

This post explains why competitiveness can feel so compelling but also trigger insecure-striving behaviours and what you can do about this.

Understanding Our Two Systems of Motivation

We have two primary motivation systems that developed for our survival:

Our competitive system: As mentioned already, this is focused on status, achievement, outperforming others, and protecting our place in the hierarchy. It’s activated particularly strongly when we feel threatened or when we perceive that resources, recognition, or opportunities are limited.

Our caring system: Oriented toward connection, cooperation, and mutual support. This system is grounded in compassion—for both others and for ourselves. When our caring system is active, we feel safe, valued, and less preoccupied with “proving” ourselves.

Both are essential. The challenge is that when we feel stressed or threatened (such as by deadlines, performance reviews, or difficult feedback), our competitive system often takes over. This can lead to overwork, strained relationships, and burnout.

What Does Overactive Competition Look Like?

Here are some fictitious examples to demonstrate.

When Competitiveness Shows Up as PerfectionismJulie is always diligent at work but lately, she’s been feeling anxious, obsessing over tiny mistakes, and secretly comparing her work to her colleagues’. Instead of celebrating her colleagues’ successes, she worries that others are catching up to her. Competitive Motivation: Julie's fear of falling behind has shifted her focus from collaboration to constant self-evaluation and trying to perfect every detail as a result.

When Competitiveness Shows Up as PerfectionismJulie is always diligent at work but lately, she’s been feeling anxious, obsessing over tiny mistakes, and secretly comparing her work to her colleagues’. Instead of celebrating her colleagues’ successes, she worries that others are catching up to her.

Competitive Motivation: Julie's fear of falling behind has shifted her focus from collaboration to constant self-evaluation and trying to perfect every detail as a result.

When Competitiveness Shows Up as ResentmentRob's friend and colleague shares news that he's been promoted to lead an exciting new project that Rob had hoped to work on himself. Competitive Motivation: Rob feels resentment toward his friend, and he starts to withdraw from him to avoid the intense jealousy and to focus on working for a similar promotion.

When Competitiveness Shows Up as ResentmentRob's friend and colleague shares news that he's been promoted to lead an exciting new project that Rob had hoped to work on himself.

Competitive Motivation: Rob feels resentment toward his friend, and he starts to withdraw from him to avoid the intense jealousy and to focus on working for a similar promotion.

When Competitiveness Shows Up as OverworkingMichaela agrees to every new task, even when her itinerary is already full. She wants to show she’s indispensable to the team (after all, this was how she was praised when she was a kid)—but this has left her exhausted, overwhelmed, and increasingly frustrated. Competitive Motivation: Michaela's drive to stay ahead is fueled by insecurity, leaving her overworked and unable to prioritise her well-being.

When Competitiveness Shows Up as OverworkingMichaela agrees to every new task, even when her itinerary is already full. She wants to show she’s indispensable to the team (after all, this was how she was praised when she was a kid)—but this has left her exhausted, overwhelmed, and increasingly frustrated.

Competitive Motivation: Michaela's drive to stay ahead is fueled by insecurity, leaving her overworked and unable to prioritise her well-being.

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Why We Become More Competitive When Threatened

Our competitive system is linked to our body’s threat response system. When we feel vulnerable, whether because of external pressures like a tough work situation or internal doubts about our ability or worth, we often default to competing as a way to protect ourselves. It’s a form of fight response (from the fight-or-flight reaction of the sympathetic nervous system).

Whilst this fight response might be instinctive, the truth is that in many modern-day situations it’s counterproductive. Allowing overactive competition to rule your decisions can lead to:

Distancing from those who we perceive to be our competitors. For example, my daughter got an urge to sit next to someone else who didn’t score so well to make herself feel better.

A tendency to see rest as unacceptable (because it isn’t safe). For example, my daughter was tempted to revise excessively for the next test to aim for 100%.

Additionally, when our threat response is triggered in this way, we tend to push support away and hold others at arm's length. We feel shame and don’t want to let on what’s happening. This was the case for my daughter after school—I was a neutral ally (she wasn’t in competition with me for results) but still it took quite a bit of time of sitting and nursing a cup of tea together until she felt able to tell me what was bothering her.

Social connection and a sense of belonging dampen down this threat response, giving us respite from this insecure-striving part of ourselves. So even though it goes against what our body thinks it needs during a moment of overactive competitiveness, this can be part of the solution.

Practical Steps for an Overactive Competitive System

These can help you choose your level of competitiveness. We aren't trying to get rid of this, but to make it manageable.

Pause and Notice Your ResponseAsk yourself: What triggered my competitive feelings? Am I feeling insecure, overlooked, or underappreciated? Often, simply naming your emotions can help you gain clarity and create distance from them.

Practice Self-CompassionWhen you’re hard on yourself, it’s easy to become hard on others, too. Try this exercise: Picture yourself as a friend who’s struggling. What would you say to support and encourage them? Now, turn those kind words toward yourself.

Focus on Your ContributionsShift your attention from “What am I achieving compared to others?” to “How am I contributing to the team’s goals?” By celebrating your unique strengths, you can reconnect with a sense of purpose and belonging.Example: If Julie (from earlier) focused on mentoring a junior team member instead of striving to be “perfect,” she might be reminded of how much she knows and is capable of.

Engage in Acts of CareSmall gestures—like checking in on a colleague or friend, offering help, or even expressing gratitude—can activate your caring system. This not only improves relationships but also boosts your own sense of well-being. Example: If Rob spent time with his friend chatting about his achievement, Rob might begin to connect to the feeling of "sympathetic joy"—our natural capacity to feel joy in response to the happiness of others, which could reduce his threat mode.

Engage in Acts of CareSmall gestures—like checking in on a colleague or friend, offering help, or even expressing gratitude—can activate your caring system. This not only improves relationships but also boosts your own sense of well-being.

Example: If Rob spent time with his friend chatting about his achievement, Rob might begin to connect to the feeling of "sympathetic joy"—our natural capacity to feel joy in response to the happiness of others, which could reduce his threat mode.

A Compassionate Mindset Is a Resilient Mindset

Balancing competition and care doesn’t mean you need to abandon your ambitions. You are at your best when you feel connected, supported, and valued. By learning to tune into your caring motivations, you can create a more sustainable, fulfilling work-life balance and avoid the burnout that comes from the constant striving that living in your competitive motivational system brings.

Gilbert, P., & Simos, G. (2020). Compassion Focused Therapy: Clinical Practice and Applications. Routledge.

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