Why Relationships Matter

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In a tense relationship, partners read each other negatively even when the message is neutral or kind.

It starts when your love tank is empty and you are getting more complaints than warmth.

The gap between your negative read and what they actually own is what's hurting your relationship.

Co-authored by Galit Romanelli

Jasmine rolls her eyes. Joel is still talking.

He hasn't filed the taxes. He tried five times and never succeeded. When she asks him to pick something up at the supermarket, he forgets what she asked for. As we work, Joel defends himself with every sentence. The longer he goes, the more childish he looks.

They are stuck in the mommy-son dance, and it is a dance we've seen a million times in the clinic.

The toll Jasmine pays is that every time she opens her mouth, she is interpreted as an upset, tired, disappointed mommy testing him.

I stop the dialogue. "You are stuck in negative sentiment override."

"What's that?" Joel asks.

"Let me tell you a joke. How do you know a lawyer is lying?"

Jasmine jumps in, laughing. "He opens his mouth!"

The three of us laugh. The room opens up a bit.

"Exactly. And how do we know Joel is being childish and irresponsible? He opens his mouth. How do we know Jasmine is unhappy and disappointed? She opens her mouth." They smile and look at each other.

Negative sentiment override

Researchers John and Julie Gottman found that partners in a tense relationship start to interpret each other's actions and intentions negatively, even when they are neutral or positive. They call it........

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