Why Relationships Matter

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When flooded, your prefrontal cortex goes offline and your relational thinking becomes binary: for/against me.

Black-and-white thinking blocks collaboration and often creates a victim triangle dynamic.

The way out is multiplicity, the ability to hold different parts of yourself at the same time.

Co-authored by Galit Romanelli.

Jamie and John keep yelling over each other in the session.

Finally, Jamie turns to me and demands: "Can you please tell John that what he's saying is not OK?!"

As a couples therapist, I've heard this a million times. I said, "Listen, Jamie, he has his own perception that's different than yours."

She looked at me. "So you're not going to back me up? Oh, I get it. I guess you're just like all the other therapists. Like all the other men. You take his side."

I actually wasn't taking anyone's side. I was doing my job: trying to hold two truths at the same time. But to Jamie, in that moment, there was no in between. Either I agreed with her completely or I was against her.

I meet this T-junction almost daily. Every couple I work with eventually gets stuck here. They stop being two subjects with two experiences and become two opposing sides fighting over one truth. With me or against me. Right or wrong. My truth or your truth.

That's not a character flaw. That's their flooded nervous system.

When you're flooded, when you're tense, tired, angry, or feeling unloved, your prefrontal cortex goes offline. The part of you that can hold complexity shuts down. What's left runs on one rule: threat or safe. With me........

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