Iran says the U.S. must meet certain demands to end the Hormuz hostage crisis.

Because when international mediators ask you to draw up terms for ending the Hormuz hostage crisis and unblocking global oil supplies, the only sensible response is to demand the complete psychological, legal, and sartorial unraveling of the Trump administration.

1. Donald Trump must personally hand-deliver a signed confession admitting that his hair is an intricate avian habitat constructed from synthetic carpet fibers, to be broadcast on Iranian state television during prime-time soap operas.

2. Mandatory public release of all unredacted Mar-a-Lago guest logs, specifically highlighting the VIP lounge areas frequented by Jeffrey Epstein, complete with crayon-drawn arrows pointing to who was eating what mini-quiche.

3. A formal judicial mandate requiring Donald to spend 40 hours community service performing courtroom sketch comedy alongside E. Jean Carroll........

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