Executive Order 14122, Creation of a Sanctuary: from Mar-a-Lago to Saint Donald’s of the Deep State.

The West Wing was unusually quiet on Tuesday morning, save for the rhythmic, high-pitched chirping of a plastic figurine being repeatedly slammed onto a magnetic speaker. White House Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, stood at the door of the Oval Office, clutching a stack of classified briefings that were currently being outranked by a five-inch tall hand-painted Quasimodo.

President Donald Trump sat at the Resolute Desk, his eyes narrowed in intense concentration. Before him sat a bright orange Toniebox — a padded, screen-free audio player designed for toddlers.

“Listen to that, Susie,” the President whispered, gesturing for silence as the speaker crackled with a dramatic, orchestral rendition of Victor Hugo’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. “The bell-ringer. Incredible guy. Very deformed, but a hard worker. Strong arms from the bells. He grabs the girl —the dancer, very beautiful, maybe a seven, but under the lights, a nine — and he shouts it. Listen.”

From the Toniebox, a gruff, digitized voice bellowed: “Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”

The President slapped the desk. “Sanctuary. Did you hear that? You go into the church, and the cops can’t touch you. The King’s men? They’re standing outside, they’re losers, they’re crying because they can’t go in. It’s a legal force field. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? I have the best lawyers — the most expensive lawyers — and not one of them mentioned the Hunchback Clause.”

By noon, the ink was dry on Executive Order 14122, officially titled: The Divine Designation of the Winter White House as a Primary Site of Perpetual Adoration and Legal Immunity.

The Golden Tabernacle of Palm Beach

The order was simple, yet legally seismic. Effective immediately, Mar-a-Lago was no longer merely a “private club” or a “resort.” It was now the “First Tabernacle of the Holy Gilded Vestibule.”

The transformation was swift. By 2:00 PM, the gold-leafed ballroom had been renamed “The Cathedral of the Art of the Deal.” The omelet station was rebranded as “The Altar of Perpetual Sustenance,” and the velvet ropes near the buffet were replaced with incense-heavy thuribles swung by Secret Service agents who looked deeply confused about their new roles as liturgical acolytes.

“It’s a House of Worship now,” the President explained to a crowd of confused members in the lobby, while wearing a MAGA hat that had been hastily embroidered with the word ‘PONTIFEX’ in silver thread. “And under the law — the very old law, the........

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