If kids read The Twits and laugh, hairy-faced men will just have to cope

April 29, 2026 — 1:30pm

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OK, Your Honour, you got me, I confess. I saw that flushbunking snozzwanger with his redunculous beard, and so help me, I thought, “I am all sorts of triggered by this crodsquinkler’s dirty facial hair. He must pay!” So, I tackled that fluckgungler and I scrubbed his catasterous face until it shone like a thousand coruscating frobscottles. You say assault, I say crimes against hygiene. And frankly, Your Honour, I’d do it all again.

But, Your Worship, I beseech you, please go easy on my co-accused, Mr and Mrs Muggle-Wump and the Roly-Poly Bird. Men with filthy beards set them off, too. They’re just acting on orders from their overlord, that late criminal mastermind and erstwhile beloved children’s author, Roald Dahl.

In conclusion, sir, The Twits made me do it. Ever since I read that book at the age of six, I’ve harboured a deep resentment towards men with facial hair, such that the very sight of one causes me to summon my fleet of flying African monkeys to strike a pre-emptive blow on behalf of brainwashed children everywhere.

That’s why it comes as such a phenomenal relief that someone, finally, has seen what a dreadful threat is contained in this how-to guide for the emerging criminal class. Enter Southern Cross University’s Dr Mellie........

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