“We’ve got armadillos in our trousers. It’s really quite frightening.”

Audience numbers for the men’s ski jumping at the Winter Olympics are set to zing like the metal detector on Derek Smalls’s foil-wrapped cucumber in This Is Spinal Tap after reports that jumpers may be injecting something called hyaluronic acid to enlarge their penises.

There are reports of skiers undergoing penis enlargements to give them a boost in the air.Credit: Simon Letch

Rock and roll! Milan-Cortina, on the other hand, would rather not be known as the Enhanced Games.

No joke. Germany’s Bild newspaper has reported the possibility of penis enlargements, which would benefit jumpers by allowing them bigger suits. A cheating scandal had already enveloped ski jumping, with Norway, an alpha country in the sport, found guilty of enlarging its jumpers’ suits in the crotch area. The more fabric, the more the suit can act like a spinnaker, enabling the jumper to float further. A study in the journal Frontiers has calculated that a two-centimetre addition to the size of a ski suit can mean nearly six extra metres in the jump distance. A bigger crotch can mean a gold medal, and the suit sizes are individually tailored to the size of a competitor’s dimensions.

The World Anti-Doping Authority’s director-general Olivier Niggli said, “We don’t........

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