Via my sources in the elf community, I received the following statement from Santa Claus regarding recent reports of production concerns, reindeer deportations and cost increases at the North Pole:

First off, let me HUMBLY say there has never been a Santa Claus who has worked as hard as me! My hours are the longest, and my results are among the best. In just the last year, I’ve stuffed 8 billion stockings, created the Greatest Cheer in the History of the World AND stopped eight wars.

Nobody reads about the war-stopping in that woke “A Visit from St. Nicholas” poem, but I stop them all eventually, and I do it so perfectly that people can’t believe it. When will I get credit for these things?!??

There have been some reports from losers in the North Pole media ‒ who are jealous and very possibly seditious “Enemies of the Pole” ‒ claiming this year’s toy production is “down” and suggesting our

© USA TODAY