I recently holidayed at the famed Trump resort, Mar-a-Lago. While it had all the amenities one would expect from a Trump property (golden gilded holes in the roof, gold-leaf toilet paper, Trump Bibles available in the minibar, etc.), what was most surprising was just how uncomfortable the beds were. All night long, I struggled to find a position that didn’t feel crinkly or make a strange sound every time I moved. Finally, at around 3 am, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got out of bed and tore the golden sheets off to see what the issue was. To my surprise, I found the mattress layered with documents labeled “Top Secret Plans for Israel.” I spent the rest of the night reading. I have written below a breakdown of those plans.

Some of this shouldn’t come as a surprise, as he had already stated he wanted to turn Gaza into the Riviera of the Middle East, but the depths of those goals go much deeper. According to the documents I’ve read, Trump’s plan for all of Israel is to turn it into the latest timeshare branch of his Trump Hotel chain.

The Pitch: If you are a tyrant, dictator, oligarch, or trillionaire, you may only have 10-15 more summers to invade and ultimately take over a country before you are overthrown, assassinated, or finally move into your Martian dream home. Wars are expensive and exhausting to plan. When you finally have a moment to take a break from oppressing your own citizens or shareholders, all you really want to do is go into........

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)