What qualifies someone as an olah chadasha? Last week I suggested it might involve paperwork, perseverance, and a teudat olah (that still hasn’t materialized). This week, I’d like to propose another Israeliness barometer: whether or not your husband has to make your phone calls for you.

The conversation started at a shabbat dinner with another young oleh couple. The husbands, both born in Israel to English-speaking parents, were lamenting the tragic reality that their wives, fully grown, college-educated American women, are about as coherent in Hebrew as the UN’s 14th draft of a motion against Israel. The wives, meanwhile, were shooting back that every time we attempt to speak Hebrew, our husbands begin responding the way one might respond to a brave but confused toddler, before inevitably switching to English.

I would consider myself an ambitious professional. A high achiever. The type who hasn’t accepted a grade under an A since middle school, and who has been carefully using her wedding money to curate a home that could plausibly appear on the front cover of Homes & Gardens. When I work hard, I am generally a good learner. When I actually face my inability to keep up in this language it is humiliating and frankly........

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