Guinness Zero reminds me of the judge. I heard about him years ago. He was driving home from the golf club, seven G&Ts to the good. Or rather – he realised as he saw the flashing blue lights in his rear-view mirror – to the bad. This is it, he thought in horror, end of career. But he went through the motions, blowing into the breathalyser and, as he waited for the result, miserably contemplating how he was going to break the news to his wife. ‘Well, sir,’ said the policeman after a moment, ‘that all appears to be fine. Have a pleasant evening.’ Dumbstruck, the judge turned his car straight round and drove back to the golf club. There he extracted the truth from the barman: the first gin and tonic had been a real one, but the other six were just tonics, with a trace of gin smeared around the rim of the glass to give it the right smell. It’s an old barman’s trick – charge for a G&T, pocket the difference. In this case, it saved the judge his job.

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Which is where Guinness Zero comes in: it makes you think you’re drunk even when you’re not. Ocado recently announced that, for the first time, it was delivering more cans of Zero than regular Guinness. I can understand why. It........

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