By a certain age, the story goes, you should have certain things locked down: a successful career, a loving partner, a couple of children running around in the house that you’ve purchased.

If you miss these markers, dread tends to set in. You may feel everyone else is moving forward, and that somehow you’ve fallen behind. This is one of the most common anxieties we encounter in life. It’s also one of the most misunderstood.

As a developmental psychologist, I want to offer a more accurate and liberating account of what’s actually going on. The feeling of being behind is real. The timeline producing it, is not.

Some psychologists call this schedule we set in our minds as a society, the “social clock.” In 1965, American developmental researcher Bernice Neugarten and colleagues described these age norms as a set of shared expectations about the “right” age to finish school, marry, buy a home or start a family.

These age norms may feel like natural law. But they are not. They are cultural conventions, and like all conventions they vary from place to place and shift from one generation to the next.

No one’s 20s and 30s look the same. You might be saving for a mortgage or just struggling to pay rent. You could be swiping dating apps, or trying to understand childcare. No matter your current challenges, our Quarter Life series has articles to share in the group chat, or just to remind you that you’re not alone.

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