“How much did everyone else score?”

For many teenagers, this question matters almost as much as their own marks. A friend has scored 95, a classmate is already preparing for the next entrance exam, and someone else seems to have everything figured out. Suddenly, their own result doesn't feel good enough.

Even before the next exam begins, the pressure to keep up has already set in. What starts as a comparison of marks can soon become something more personal: Am I smart enough? Am I falling behind? Why does everyone seem to be doing better than me?

For parents, these moments can be difficult to navigate. Telling a teenager not to compare themselves with others may seem like the obvious response, but what happens when they cannot stop? And how can parents help them build confidence without adding to the pressure?

Why comparison feels so intense during the teenage years

Dr Gurbani Kohli, a child and adolescent psychologist with over 11 years of clinical experience, has worked with more than 9,000 children. She is the founder and clinical director of HealG A Child Clinic and a senior consultant child psychologist at Apollo Cradle, New Delhi. Her work involves supporting children, adolescents, and families navigating developmental, emotional, behavioural, and learning concerns.

In her experience, when teenagers compare themselves with their peers, the issue often extends beyond marks or achievements.

“When a teenager says, ‘Everyone is ahead of me,’ they are usually not making an objective assessment of everyone around them. They are expressing how they currently feel about themselves,” she says.

Adolescence is a period when identity and self-worth are still developing. Peers become increasingly important as teenagers try to understand where they fit in and how others perceive them. A disappointing exam result, a friend's achievement, or being left out of a group can feel particularly significant at this stage, when emotional regulation and perspective are still developing.

“Often there is a deeper emotional question underneath the comparison: ‘Am I good enough?’ ‘Do I belong?’ or ‘Will people value me and my opinion?’” Dr Kohli explains.

A teenager who........

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