The Portland Trail Blazers host the San Antonio Spurs in Game 3 of their opening round playoff series Friday evening, and you might think that would be cause for excitement in the City of Roses. After all, the Blazers gained home court advantage over the heavily favored Spurs by defeating them in San Antonio two nights ago. The Blazers’ roster also features ascending guard Scoot Henderson, the kind of franchise player the team desperately needed after Damian Lillard left town in 2023.

But no one’s really paying much attention to the Blazers players at the present moment. That could be because Portland won that game after Spurs superstar Victor Wembanyama left Game 2 early with a concussion after having his face rearranged by the hardwood floor. More likely, however, it’s because their owner has been exposed as a raging prick. The owner in question is one Tom Dundon. I’m not even gonna fight the urge to call him Tom Dumbdumb in this space, because A) the urge is far too powerful, and B) Dundon has earned the epithet, and every other vile sentiment you could throw his way. Why? Well, let me bust out a quick FAQ to explain.

Dundon is now the majority owner of the Blazers, taking control when the team was sold at auction in the wake of the passing of software magnate Paul Allen, the previous franchise owner. No billionaire is ever “good,” but Paul Allen was about as chill a billionaire owner as any fan could ask for, mostly because he was willing to spend money, and because he was more interested in enjoying his riches than pissing other people off.

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Is Dundon the same way?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO he is not. He is so not that. In fact, a handful of reports from this week suggest that he’s uniquely awful even among his billionaire brethren.

Portland Trail Blazers new owner Tom Dundon is seated before an NBA basketball game against the New Orleans Pelicans, Thursday, April 2, 2026, in Portland, Ore.

How’d he become a billionaire anyway?

Glad you asked. Tom Dundon built up his fortune almost exclusively in the field of subprime auto loans.

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Subprime loans? You mean the kind of shady dealings that precipitated the 2008 banking crisis?

The same. But instead of preying on lower-income Americans desperate to buy a home, even if it means paying double-digit mortgage rates, Dundon made his money on subprime car deals. A lot of them.

I feel triggered. You’re an asshole for making me remember the subprime crisis.

Don’t blame me! Blame this other guy!

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I will! According to this deeply reported ProPublica investigation, Dundon built his fortune via a number of subprime lending companies, the most notable of which is one called Santander Consumer USA. While the 2008 crash put a curb on big subprime home mortgages, lenders were still able to target that same class of borrowers for smaller purchases like, say, cars. And that’s where Dundon staked his claim. According to ProPublica, two-thirds of Santander’s auto loan recipients were charged an interest rate over 20%. Many lawsuits and federal probes ensued from there.

Yup. According to a New York Times report on Santander from 2015, Dundon was such a vigorous predator that he beat virtually every private equity firm in the country to these bad car loans. When you’re an even bigger scumbag than private equity, that’s quite a feat. 

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After Dundon “earned” his blood money, he treated himself to a little shopping spree. He bought himself a 13,000-square-foot home, replete with a private putting green. And then, in 2018, he bought the NHL’s Carolina Hurricanes.

FILE: Tom Dundon tees off from the 13th hole at the Monterey Peninsula Country Club course during the 1st day of the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am tournament at Pebble Beach, Calif., Feb. 5, 2022.

I didn’t know he owned the Hurricanes.

Apart from the fact that they were stolen from the city of Hartford, no one knows anything about the Carolina Hurricanes.

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Not quite finished enjoying the fruits of his non-labor, Dundon entered the bidding war for the Blazers, seven years after he’d taken control of the Canes. He won the Blazers auction last fall at a reported purchase price of over $4 billion.

Hey, big spender! Sounds like a guy willing to shell out the dough to make the Blazers a contender!

Here is where I remind you that no one becomes a billionaire by spending money. Dundon is quite proud of his scrimping abilities, boasting to others, “Do you know what I do when I see a penny on the ground? I pick it up.” He will not share that penny with you after doing so. He won’t even leave it in the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray at the 7-Eleven. The rest of you peasants have to EARN your pennies, the way he did.

That goes for the Blazers, too. After taking control of the franchise on March 31, Dundon immediately started to cut more corners than the Springfield monorail engineer. Earlier this week, Jason Quick of the Athletic filed a comprehensive overview of the man’s parsimoniousness. During the Blazers’ play-in tilt with the Phoenix Suns the other week, Dundon forced Blazers staff to check out of their hotels before 12:30 p.m. to avoid any late fees, despite the fact that they wouldn’t be flying back home for several more hours. He also skipped out on free T-shirts for Portland home fans for Friday night’s Game 3. Every other NBA home playoff crowd usually gets to stage a white-out with free tees this time of year, but not you, Portland. I’m sure you can lease a T-shirt at the concession stand this evening though, at an APR of 34%. 

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Bill Oram of the Oregonian also passed along a heretofore unverified rumor that Dundon wanted to downsize the team’s mascot duo of Blaze the Trail Cat and Douglas Fur by one to save a few pennies.

But all of that pales in comparison to how Dundon has treated the team’s interim head coach, Tiago Splitter.

Tom Dundon, Portland Trail Blazers owner, walks courtside prior to the game against the New Orleans Pelicans at Moda Center on April 2, 2026, in Portland, Ore.

Splitter took over the Blazers job after then-head coach Chauncey Billups was arrested in a federal gambling sting. Under Splitter’s watch, the Blazers then went 42-39, won their way out of the play-in tournament, and now find themselves in a position to upset Wemby and the Spurs. Splitter has done such a good job in Portland that ESPN’s Ramona Shelburne reported that Dundon and the Blazers were considering making him the permanent head coach.

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Shelburne also reported that Splitter’s contract as interim coach falls insultingly short of the standard for all other NBA head coaches, and that the team’s offer for the permanent gig wasn’t much better. Once the two sides broke off negotiations, Dundon began interviewing/entertaining other candidates for the job even though Splitter is still manning the bench, which is technically allowed but also a glaring breach of traditional NBA decorum. Oram of the Oregonian has heard that Dundon wants to pay his next head coach an average annual salary of $1 million, which represents a fraction of the going rate for modern head coaches (Blazers sources deny this). A source in Quick’s investigation for the Athletic told the journalist that Dundon’s treatment of Splitter is “the most vicious thing I’ve encountered in 30-plus years.”

What does Dundon think of all these stories coming out about him?

If you guessed that Dundon is the type of officious prick who doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him, come and claim your prize. From one source in that Athletic expose: “I don’t think he gives a rat’s ass what is said about him.” Clearly!

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Tom Dundon, Portland Trail Blazers owner, speaks during a press conference at Moda Center on April 2, 2026, in Portland, Ore. 

And what does the league think?

Got a tip? Send us the scoop.

Got a tip? Send us the scoop.

Somehow this is the most depressing part of all. This week, league Commissioner Adam Silver went on a Barstool podcast — RED FLAG ALERT — to defend his newest owner and de facto 32nd boss:

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“People are starting to say he’s not willing to spend the money. Remember, this is a guy who just won a bidding war, call it $4.5 billion to buy a team, and they’re calling him cheap. It just can’t be. … It’s a scrappy approach to focusing on details, making people feel everything matters.”

So no matter how the Blazers do in their first home playoff game since 2021, and no matter what further indignities Tom Dumbdumb foists upon members of that organization, or its coaches, or its players, or its fans, or anyone in hock who needs to buy a 2001 Honda Civic, this awful man isn’t going anywhere. One of the NBA’s more storied franchises is now owned by a man who is only interested in his own success, often at the expense of yours. You can buy an ugly-ass McMansion and two pro sports teams for yourself, but you can’t pony up for a surplus mascot costume, Tommy boy? Next time you bend over to pick up a penny, I hope Douglas Fur kicks you square in the basketballs.

— There's a word for the Mike Vrabels of the world, and it's 'loser'— I asked Jon Hamm if he's ever stolen from his friends— The ticket prices are too damn high— F—k Kash Patel and his $tupid shoes

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