How Can I Manage My Anger?

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How we interpret an event helps shape whether we feel anger, fear, or frustration.

Reappraisal changes an event’s meaning; suppression hides the outward expression of emotion.

Mentally revisiting an upsetting event is associated with longer emotional episodes.

Fun involves both pleasurable engagement and a sense of freedom from psychological restrictions.

As the father of two young children entering “teenager mode,” I’ve been trying a small ritual from time to time. We sit down, and I say, slowly, one word at a time, and ask them to repeat after me: “I. Refuse. To. Be. Angry.” Sometimes, it's: “I. Refuse. To. Be. Frustrated.”

This is partly for their benefit. It is also very much for mine.

The word “refuse” needs some explaining. I want my children to be able to tell me they are angry, including when they are angry with me. My hope is that saying the words together creates a pause, a chance to consider what we do with the feeling.

Because anger can take the fun out of an experience remarkably quickly. A game, a meal, or an afternoon together can become entirely about what went wrong (like forgetting to bring something from home, which happens way too often). And then our ability to enjoy the moment seems to disappear.

Why does that happen? And how much say do we have in it?

The Meaning We Give the Moment

Appraisal theory offers a useful starting point: Our emotions depend partly on how we interpret what........

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