Shame is a painful perception of self as failing, inadequate, impotent, defective, unattractive, or unlovable.

Pride is a pleasant perception of self as successful, accomplished, potent, admirable, attractive, or lovable.

Inner perceptions of self implicitly guide thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Rarely do we consciously consider ourselves to be failures, successful, lovable, or unlovable. Inner self shame manifests only when shameful behavior is exposed—that is, when we’re caught.

Psychological distress is unavoidable when inner and outer selves contradict each other. The most common contradiction:

Inner-self implicit shame.

Outer-self explicit pride.

Indicators of this contradiction are:

Self-obsession.

Inflated ego.

Entitlement.

Manipulation.

Devaluing others.

A virulent way of coping with contradictions between the inner and outer self is acting on the adrenaline-fueled impulse to shame others. Making someone feel small, defective, repulsive, isolated, or unlovable has a similar effect on the inner self. Shaming others exacerbates inner shame.

If you tend to be self-obsessed (thinking only of yourself and your own perspective), practice seeing other perspectives without pre-judging them through negative labels or pejorative characterizations.

If you suffer from inflated ego, practice humility. Realize that everything we know borders on the vastness of what we don’t know.

If you feel entitled to manipulate or control others, practice basic humanity—interest in the well-being of others.

If you feel like devaluing others, recognize that, like you, they’re frail humans.

If you feel phony or like an imposter, act on your deeper values—that is, become the person, partner, and parent you most want to be.

If you feel like shaming others, focus on self-compassion—sympathy for your hurt and hardship, with motivation to heal and improve. If you focus on healing yourself, you won’t shame anyone else.

Inner self shame heals through the practice of self-compassion and basic humanity.

Behavior often contradicts intentions. Intentions are more about values (the kind of person I want to be); behavior is more about temporary comfort or power. Intention reflects how we consciously think of ourselves. Behavior reflects how we feel about ourselves, including our coping habits and implicit judgments, which bypass conscious analysis.

For example, I intend to be a more compassionate husband, yet I’m irritated by my wife’s complaint that I ignore her. I intend to be a loyal friend, even when I’m gossiping about friends.

The world perceives the outer self, but we judge ourselves by the inner self.

The way to be understood is to reconcile behavior with intentions and to recondition coping habits and implicit goals. For example, to be loyal, I must protect my friends from gossip. I’ll imagine hearing gossip about my friends and practice defending them. To be a compassionate husband, I must focus on my wife’s well-being. I’ll recall urges to contradict or interrupt her or shut her out and practice listening to learn about her and appreciate her.

© Psychology Today