What Is Neurodiversity?

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Seeing each other as different, not deficient, helps bridge neurotypical and neurodivergent partners.

Becoming curious is the first step in assuming positive intent.

Despite differences in brain types, respect and accountability still matter in relationships.

Comedian and actress Amy Schumer has talked openly about her husband, now ex-husband, being on the autism spectrum and the challenges their different brain types brought to their relationship, especially before his diagnosis. Her account illustrates that behaviors straining a relationship aren’t usually intentional.

Misunderstandings can happen when partners communicate in ways the other misreads, even when both are trying their best to connect. Whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, one partner can feel confused by the other’s words and actions as their brain types offer varying perspectives and ways of processing communication, emotions, and the world.

Gabrielle Gross, LCSW, LCSW-C, a New Jersey- and Maryland-licensed psychotherapist and founder of Growth Wellness LLC, says, “For any relationship to succeed, both partners must be able to express how they feel, communicate what they need, and show love in ways that feel true to them and that their partner can recognize and experience.”

Although “it can often seem like you and your partner are speaking different languages,” Gross says, “there are strategies to find common ground,” as discussed below.

Meet Your Partner Where They Are

Meeting your partner where they are involves seeing your partner as different, not deficient, and can change the tone of your relationship. Gross explains that when you go from analyzing why your partner said what they did to considering what they might have meant, you open the interaction to more than one explanation—perhaps one that may not be as hurtful or ill-intended as you thought. “In relationships characterized by mutual love and respect, Gross says, “neither partner usually means to cause the other harm.”

Shifting the focus may sound simple, but Gross notes that asking partners to slow down and learn each other’s speech patterns and physical cues requires intention and practice. She explains that in any relationship, in general, and in those between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals, “it often feels like the same words or gestures can be interpreted very differently.”

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling dismissed while your partner thought they were being direct and helpful, you’ve experienced this frustration.

Gross suggests meeting your partner where they are by becoming curious, not defensive. “After pausing and taking a breath, this is step one of assuming positive intent.”

For example, instead of jumping to conclusions, you can recognize that your partner’s tone may not have been a sign of indifference or disapproval but something else, or perhaps nothing. You can also help your partner meet you where you are by explaining that your need for reassurance isn’t a sign you’re insecure in the relationship, but a sign of your processing.

What Is Neurodiversity?

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Gross explains that your goal should be to gather enough information to understand your partner’s words or actions, so you can respond thoughtfully rather than react personally. It shouldn’t be to fundamentally reform either of you, though making some changes can benefit you, your partner, and the relationship.

Continue to Speak in Your Own Language

When conversations go sideways, couples often conclude that one person’s communication style is the root of the problem and should be abandoned. In reality, both styles can coexist.

If your partner communicates in short, literal statements, you might receive that as cold. And they might take your emotionally imbued language and subtext as overwhelming and confusing.

What if instead of labeling one as better, you treated both as legitimate? What if you asked, “What did you mean by that?” or expressed your hurt, saying, “When I hear that, I feel…”

Gross emphasizes that success depends on both partners recognizing that they may not communicate as clearly as they think, or fully understand each other as well as they believe.

Notice Behavior Without Excusing It

A diagnosis of ADHD, autism, or other neurodivergent profile can help a relationship by showing that brain types vary in how they process information, offering context for how partners read social cues, interpret emotional nuance, or handle routines and spontaneity. Even so, these variations can create challenges, and asking for clarification isn’t the same as excusing hurtful behavior or giving your partner permission to disrespect you. Distinguishing between a misunderstood signal and intentional mistreatment is thus essential.

Of this tension, Gross says, “When more emphasis is placed on the neurotypical partner making accommodations for the neurodivergent partner, the neurotypical partner may sometimes feel that their needs are neglected.” On the other side, she says, “When more blame is placed on the neurodivergent partner for relationship challenges, they can be unfairly expected to conform to neurotypical social-emotional norms, which may feel confusing and exhausting.”

Both extremes can create resentment. One partner feels invisible, the other shamed.

Gross adds an important distinction: “While someone’s brain type can explain their behavior, it’s not an excuse for hurting your feelings or absolving them of accountability. You can have compassion and directly and respectfully hold boundaries and ask for what you need from your partner and the relationship.”

Vocalize Your Needs and Set Boundaries

It’s easy to swing too far in one direction. Sometimes, all the attention goes to accommodating the neurodivergent partner, or the neurodivergent partner is labeled the problem.

Gross points out the risks of each tendency. “When the focus is only on one person’s needs, the other can feel unheard, creating imbalance in the relationship.”

Expressing that you would appreciate your partner telling you they’re upset rather than going silent or that they’re having a hard time understanding you isn’t you being needy or self-indulgent. Such guardrails tell your partner what feels safe and what feels painful to you.

Reframe Each Other’s Differences as Strengths

When leaning into each other's strengths and supporting each other through challenges, neurodivergent-neurotypical partnerships can be enriched by their diversity in processing and understanding, spanning a range of directness and softness, as well as detail-specific and whole-picture problem-solving, emotional depth, and breadth of communication.

The best part, Gross says, is “When you stop framing differences as flaws, you can see how they allow you and your partner to complement each other.”

© Psychology Today