The Fundamentals of Sex

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Ageing can be difficult for men because of physiological and sexual changes.

Less-frequent erections can be associated with feeling a loss of masculinity.

Ageing is an opportunity for men to change their unhelpful and strict masculinity scripts.

Ageing is inevitable, but having a thriving sex life through the lifespan is possible.

Ageing can be a difficult process. It is well known that ageing is particularly difficult for women because female youth tends to be over-emphasised as one of the main factors of desirability. Now we have fantastic celebrities such as Kate Winslet and Dame Helen Mirren who embrace ageing and are not afraid to show their wrinkles.

The struggle of men ageing is discussed less because it isn’t associated with the same beauty standard and sexual desirability experienced by women. However, many men do find ageing difficult, for different reasons.

In our Western society, where there are strict gender norms, men feel the pressure to conform to narrow masculinity scripts. One of them is to be strong and powerful, and another one of them is to always be sexually potent.

Ageing and its associated loss are inevitable. Indeed, “man-opause” (andropause) is real, even though it is not felt as intensely as menopause for women. The andropause is marked by a reduction in testosterone, leading to less frequent and lower-quality erections, and ageing men may be more vulnerable to heart problems than women because they are not protected by oestrogen, which is another cause of erection problems.

For many men, the loss of the frequency and quality of erections can provoke tremendous shame, and it can be devastating because it is associated with feeling less of a man or losing one's sense of masculinity as an identity. It is not only a sexual struggle, but it is also an existential one.

The narrative on sex is associated with “performance,” and losing an erection is often associated with “performance anxiety.” But the language of performance in itself isn’t helpful, because sex is not a performance. When men age and lose their erections, they often come to a sex therapist wanting help to “get back to performing sexually.” This, in itself, is counterproductive because when we age, there is no “getting back” to a physiological younger state. It is, indeed, comforting to think in this way, but, paradoxically, it is what might help men have better sex lives.

Rather than thinking about “getting back” to sexual activities they used to have in their younger years, the goal is for ageing men to adapt to change. This may involve processing the grief of the loss of a sex life they enjoyed in their younger years, redefining what good sex looks like, and adopting a different version of masculinity as an identity, not one of power and sexual potency, but one of vulnerability and sexual intimacy.

Broadly speaking, ageing is a transition through different phases of life, so it is more helpful to think of the loss associated with ageing as a transition: with every phase of life, we lose some things, but we can embrace different ones.

When ageing men begin to have disappointing erections, they often feel so much shame that they might berate themselves, sometimes in serious ways, and in the most severe cases, resulting in suicidal thoughts. Or they might avoid sex, creating a disconnection with their sexual and romantic partner(s). While ageing is inevitable, disconnection is not, and good, satisfying sex is possible.

In our society, we have another myth that older adults should not want to prioritise their sex lives. But a study shows that many older adult daters aged 60 to 83 years think that sex is an important part of dating, suggesting that sexuality and having a sex life are important across the lifespan.

Ageing men can have a vibrant sex life in andropause with both medical and psychosexual help. Medically, men can be prescribed a small dose of regular sildenafil. It is a good medication that is not only effective for erections but also beneficial for overall male health, including the heart. Some men with low testosterone can also be prescribed testosterone replacement. It is important to always consult a doctor about it.

The Fundamentals of Sex

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Psychosexually, men can learn not to think about their penis as the central organ for good sex. Much of the best sex actually comes from the brain and our erotic mind, not the penis. Being less penis-focused means that men will put less pressure on their penis; doing so can actually improve erections. It is important to remind ourselves that we have an entire body that can be erogenous, not just the genitals. Exploring new ways to feel pleasure with the body, and framing being a good lover by co-creating an erotic connection with sexual partner(s) rather than with a rock-hard erection will help improve the quality of sex life. Our sense of masculinity does not rely on erections; there is much more to being a man than a hard penis. Expanding the associations to masculinity means that men can be open to new possibilities and explorations of sexual pleasure.

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Harris, L., & Melanson, C. (2026). “The Shop Is Not Closed”: Sex and Sexuality Among Older Adult Daters. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2026.2614315

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