Many kids of immigrant families are taught that love means sacrifice or performance.

Physical affection teaches kids that love doesn't depend on achievement.

Acts like snuggling can interrupt shame and build a sense of security.

My 10-year-old son asked if he could snuggle with me the other morning. I instinctively said yes, since these opportunities may not come up too much more as he gets older.

I consider his request a validation that we, as parents, are doing a good job. I half-jokingly told my wife, “Snuggling is the antidote to Asian shame." So why is that?

Well, as a child of Chinese immigrants, I grew up in a home where the love language was doing and not necessarily felt through physical touch or words of affirmation and praise.

My parents sacrificed and toiled hard in their jobs (dad was a cook and mom was a waitress) at various Chinese restaurants. They made us food and provided a roof over our heads. That was love. But we didn't get:

Words like “I’m proud of you."

Moments to cuddle, hold their hands, or sit close to them, just because.

So I learned (along with a lot of others from similar backgrounds):

You are loved when you achieve.

I learned unconsciously that I "didn’t need" physical touch, cutting it off to the point where I viewed people as “soft” or with contempt when they hugged or needed praise.

But children who do not get non-sexual, physical touch from their parents or caregivers have a significant unmet need.

What Snuggling Says Without Words

When your kid curls up next to you, there’s no report card. No trophy. No “Did you get an A?”

He’s not earning anything. He’s just there.

And what he hears—without you saying it—is:

You don’t have to perform to be close to me.

You don’t have to be impressive to be loved.

You are loved just for being you.

That message is powerful, especially for boys, who are still being taught not to need touch in some homes. I’ve overheard some fathers say, "I stopped hugging my child when he was 5 years old."

For me, if my son wants to hold my hand, ask for a hug, or snuggle next to me at age 10, that tells me we are still people he feels safe with.

Asian shame is about earning your way to belonging. You have to perform. You must be somebody.

We can do better. We can let kids know they don’t have to earn closeness or affection. They deserve it just because.

That’s the opposite of shame.

Shame says: Hide, achieve, don’t mess up, don’t need.

Snuggling says: Come here, you are enough.

So if your child wants to sit next to you, wants to lean on you, or asks for a hug, these are all good signs that shame is being replaced by safety.

© Psychology Today