The Importance of Forgiveness

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When people deeply hurt us, there is a tendency for the hurts to linger inside even if we are unaware of this.

The pain from those hurts slowly and eventually can settle into a false and not-so-subtle self-condemnation.

It is time to see that self-condemnation, take control of it, and conquer it.

I have been studying forgiveness for over 40 years. During that time, I have conducted many studies of people traumatized by others' unjust actions. Such injustice against a person can lead to anger, then to a more abiding sense of deep anger that we call resentment, and eventually to anxiety and even depression. For example, Reed and Enright (2006) found that emotionally abused women in marriage ended up with depression and did not like themselves.

One often-unseen consequence of being treated badly, over and over, is starting to subtly blame oneself, making statements to oneself such as: "If only I had done___." Or, "It takes two to have conflicts." One of the more destructive self-statements is this: "I am not a very good person. Otherwise, my partner would not have treated me this way."

Such persistent self-talk can lead to low self-esteem or a dislike of oneself. The sad part is that the victim of the other's injustice is now victimized again, this time by one's own negative, unproductive inner talk that is harmful to well-being. Let us examine each of the three statements above as a challenge to you if you are self-condemning because of a partner's injustices against you.

1. “If only I had done___."

When people use this statement, they are basically implying that their behavior is........

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