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Many of us tie our self-worth to our professional accomplishments.

But self-worth based on what we do, rather than who we are, is precarious—because there's always more to do.

Changing this pattern calls for honest self-examination and the gradual unlearning of old beliefs.

Our institutions tenaciously encourage us to prove our worthiness. It may be to prove our understanding of an academic lesson, or to be in possession of a particular skill, or to be worthy of some form of reward or advancement.

Unfortunately, many of us weave proving our personal worth together with proving we can accomplish a task, particularly in the workplace. But there is always another task offering an opportunity to prove we have personal value—meaning our personal worth always lies just out of reach. We also often struggle to differentiate between being OK because of what we do and being OK because of who we are.

What It Looks Like to Divorce Tasks from Self-Worth

What might it look like if we simply demonstrated that we can do something, without tying that demonstration to our sense of personal worth? In the workplace in particular, I propose the following indicators:

Unless there is an obvious crisis, the approach to the task will lack urgency.

There will be a graceful and gradual process to the methodology.

The process will be held as equally important to the outcome.

There will be time and space for collaboration, allowing for the best ideas to be incorporated.

The final product will be viewed as the result of a collective effort, with the team feeling proud of their shared achievement.

Because of diminished pressure and increased ease, there will be little or no burnout on behalf of team members.

On the other hand, what does it look like when we engage with tasks with a focus on proving our personal worth? The following indicators may indicate that such an intention is at work:

Living with a general feeling of self-rejection. When self-acceptance is low, we can easily turn to work projects to offer a small measure of feeling good about ourselves. Our achievements are merely compensatory.

Imposter syndrome. Beyond our successes at work, our low self-esteem reminds us that we can’t be as good as we appear.

Working with urgency. The last achievement is over, as is its temporary installation of feeling good about ourselves. Hence, we are eager to get on with the next task, hoping it will relieve feelings of self-deprecation.

Feeling alone. Working with urgency does not afford the luxury of receiving support and collaboration.

Feeling pressured. Each task brings a measure of demand since personal worth is on the line.

High likelihood of burnout. The constant flow of pressure and demands easily leads to burnout.

How to Stop Feeling Like You Need to Prove Yourself

Often, we experience such consequences without being fully aware of the cause. That's because the intent to prove your personal worth as you engage a task may sit just below consciousness.

If you want to restore the feeling of being good enough, I suggest the following steps:

Increase your understanding of how much you are achieving at work as compensation for low self-esteem. This may call for some rigorous honesty.

Get help to identify the origin of your self-deprecation and how to interrupt it. Typically, children merge with abusive or neglectful parents. The merger occurs as children begin to use the same critical voice against themselves that they hear from their parents. The merger allegedly supports survival, since children know they cannot survive without their parents. When this self-critical survival mechanism is not interrupted, they continue self-rejection into adulthood, as the child version of yourself continues to attempt to support survival, no matter how toxic the process.

If you work in a culture that fosters weaving your self-worth to job performance, then decide how you can work in that culture without reducing your personal worth to job performance. Or consider leaving such a culture, which you’ll know you’re in because it has the entitlement to define your schedule, the nature of your work, and what counts as success.

Take the time to gradually learn the difference between feeling valued for what you have done and valued for who you are. The latter is human dignity, granted to you at birth. It is neither won, achieved, nor proven.

It saddens me to witness professional organizations encouraging and exploiting their people by developing cultural norms that link personal worth to professional achievements. Hopefully, we can begin with our children by acknowledging their achievements, while honoring who they are, separate from their victories and defeats.

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