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Listening remains a top therapeutic concern.

Listening is a skill that demands ongoing work.

Listening can become pleasurable and enjoyable for the listener themselves.

Why do people go to therapy? Purportedly, it’s to resolve problems and manage psychological symptoms. We stay in therapy, however, often because of the conversation, and in particular the quality of the listening we receive. Rarely in other parts of our lives do we have someone’s full attention for 60 minutes. No one is checking their phone or jumping in with thoughts and comments from their own life. It is enormously powerful and gives the listener a great deal of pleasure.

One source of this pleasure comes from the feeling of being interesting to another person. Does what we say make sense to others? Does it stand out? Is our life interesting or meaningful? Does it seem to others that we are living a life worth living? All of us share these questions, and many of us worry that we do not offer anything of interest to others. This is why we may focus on other attributes like beauty or behaviour. We may feel good for being attractive or appreciated for our service. But there is something especially pleasurable and satisfying about someone taking authentic and spontaneous interest in what we say or think. It speaks perhaps to a sense of unique individuality, of our distinct personhood apart from genetic destiny or sheer work ethic.

But listening is not one way and does not only produce pleasure for those being listened to. Listening itself can be immensely valuable and pleasurable, and not just, as some may think, a necessary task or chore in interpersonal relationships (i.e., I will listen to you so you can then return the favour). As many in the therapeutic profession can attest, learning how to listen can itself be an enjoyable and stimulating activity. Why? Because when you know how to listen, people—ordinary, everyday people—become fascinating, curious, and even entertaining.

Very few people, in actual fact, are boring or uninteresting. Most people, when pressed in the right way, reveal unique points of view on the world and reality. They reveal odd and unusual experiences that shape their perceptions and colour their interactions in curious ways. We are all odd and unusual, though we have been taught early on to conceal these facts. Ironically, it is these oddities that can make us fascinating to others and to ourselves. Most people have perhaps a strange experience from childhood that, while not traumatic, may nevertheless have shaped their adult behaviours or views in unique ways. They may live with contradictions that cannot easily be explained away (like a scientist deeply fascinated by astrology).

When those being listened to can shed some of the defences around these oddities and allow another human being to witness and become curious about them, the experience can be mutually enjoyable and surprising.

Many of us, however, need a refresher in listening. This may be partly because of our schooling’s focus on speaking over listening, and our general cultural emphasis on performance and action over more receptive and seemingly passive activities like listening.

In a short psycho-philosophical video, The School of Life offers four pointers worth recalling and honing in our interpersonal lives:

1. Good listeners egg us on

Good listeners ask questions, become curious, and encourage us to simply say more about a topic. This may feel foreign or unusual to some of us who were not egged on in our own lives or who learned that being polite meant saying as little as possible about ourselves. It’s OK to feel scripted or unnatural doing this for the first time. Over time, what starts out feeling cold or mechanical can become more natural and transform into genuine curiosity and encouragement. You begin to realize that knowing more about others is useful to you as a listener and as a colleague, friend, or partner.

2. Urge clarification

This might feel a bit like rehashing English class, but it’s good practice. Many of us hide, for good reason, in clichés and platitudes. We say things like “It’s OK,” “That movie was interesting,” or “My hometown was boring.” Part of the reason we rely on these phrases is fear of what a real point of view might trigger in another person. A real point of view risks disclosure, which may be met poorly. A good listener, however, encourages specificity. They invite us to use other words and to be as descriptive as possible. This can help identify underlying issues beneath the cliché. Maybe our hometown wasn’t boring, but deeply alienating and isolating. Such clarifications can spur more interesting follow-up questions.

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3. Listeners don’t moralize

The biggest fear in speaking is being rebuffed or judged by the listener—to be met with reactivity or rejection. Learning to listen without moralizing takes practice and patience, as many things people say may, in fact, trigger us, intentionally or not. Sometimes a good response to something provocative is simply to state the obvious: “That feels like a provocative statement.” Being a good listener doesn’t mean blocking or bracketing your natural responses entirely, but it might mean modifying your reactions to seek clarity first.

4. Separate disagreement from criticism

A final point concerns potential conflict. We likely don’t agree with everyone on everything. (How could we?) A good listener can express a different opinion or simply hold it silently. They can even use “I” statements to express discomfort with certain ideas (e.g., “That’s a tough point of view for me to share.”). The hard part is restraining criticism—belittling or attacking the person for what they think. Believe it or not, we can disagree with someone and still like—and even love—them.

The School of Life. (2016, May 12). Being a good listener. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BdbiZcNBXg

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