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Remember that your partner’s anger and defensiveness are about them—not you.

Stop trying to fix or change a defensive partner; instead, accept their limitation as reality.

Respond like a “stone”: stay calm, don’t react, and avoid validating their narrative.

So far in this series, I’ve been looking at anger and defensiveness in relationships, and specifically the habitual responses we fall into to try and manage and survive it. Here in Part 7, I want to offer some action steps, boots-on-the-ground strategies to change your relationship with your partner’s anger—and with yourself in the face of it.

When anger and defensiveness arise in this other person, remember that they are not actually seeing you in those moments; you are just an inverted mirror for them. They project their self-criticism, loathing, shame, and everything else they don’t want to feel or see about themselves onto you. While it doesn’t make it okay that they behave this way, remember, their rage belongs to and is about them—not you.

Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, had some helpful advice when it came to dealing with anger, which is as applicable today as it was when he offered it over 2,000 years ago. In short, Epictetus counseled that when you’re being deluged with someone else’s rage, listen like a stone. Don’t defend yourself or try to set the record straight. Don’t attempt to bring rationality into an irrational situation. Behave like a stone. Stones are not bothered by anyone else’s choices; you can shout at them, and they remain unperturbed and unchanged.

Remember, when someone is in a defensive episode, they want you to react, to bite the hook and get pulled into their story. They’re baiting you to start defending yourself, going after them, and joining them in their........

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