Why Relationships Matter

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It’s incredibly frustrating to be in a relationship with someone unaware of how they behave in the world, how they are perceived by other people, and how their behavior actually impacts others. It's maddening and sad to watch someone who acts in ways that are aggressive, rude, dismissive, arrogant, or just off-putting, but then complains about the reactions they receive, or blames other people for their responses. It's exhausting to listen to someone who claims to always be misunderstood and misjudged; a perpetual victim who takes no responsibility or is blind to their own part in the responses they receive.

My guess, if you’re reading this article, is that you’ve already tried to communicate to this person about how they behave in the world and why people are reacting to them the way they are. My guess, too, is that by explaining or pointing out their behavior, you haven’t been able to move the dial — not because you haven’t explained it well, but usually because the person who “doesn’t know” how they’re coming across to others is someone who, at some level, has rejected how they’re being perceived, and built a whole emotional defense system to protect themselves from feeling insecure and inadequate. They are probably someone who, over time, has become unable to hear feedback about their own behavior. The two conditions frequently come together—lack of (or selective) awareness and unwillingness to consider responsibility.

But just in case you haven’t tried this most basic line of action—to simply point out to the other person how their behavior is coming across in the world and impacting other people—or even if you have tried but it hasn’t worked, here are some basics to keep in........

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