The Fundamentals of Sex

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Is there a right amount of sex to have? Or a right amount of desire for sex?

That might sound like a weird question. But it came up the other day when I was chatting with fellow sex therapist Dr. Skye Henry-Smith on our podcast, Untangling Intimacy. This is the kind of unanswerable question you find yourself fielding in the middle of a tough couples session.

It’s easy, when you’re distressed, to treat your therapist as an impartial arbiter who can prove you right and your partner wrong — or, if not, give you a solid answer and therefore reduce the discomfort of being in a relationship where you want different things.

So, when it comes to a desire discrepancy, your clients might want to hear: There’s something wrong with my partner, right? They want sex WAY too much (or too little). Or, alternatively: There’s something wrong with me, right? I should want sex way more than I do (or less!).

The truth is that there’s no such thing as the “right” amount of desire. Everyone is different; all variation is normal, from zero desire to lots and lots.

We might know that intellectually. But even so, there are a few ways in which the assumption that there’s a “right” amount of desire can creep into our work. Here are some examples:

When we feel pressured to side with one partner over the other — As the therapist, you probably feel pressure coming from both sides. The lower desire partner may feel pressured and put-upon. The higher-desire partner may feel trapped and hopeless. Both experiences are real, painful, and valid. Holding that tension is challenging, and therapists sometimes collapse and form a coalition with one partner or the other.

When we empathize with one partner over the other — We all bring our personal experience to our therapy rooms, and sometimes it can lead to us connecting or sympathizing more easily with one partner or the other.

When we are misinformed about topics like asexuality — I often hear from therapists asking me “is it really healthy and normal to have NO desire for sex at all?” The answer is a resounding YES! Asexuality is 100% normal, healthy, and a reflection of the beautiful diversity of human experience.

When we are misinformed about higher desire — Sexuality is stigmatized, which can lead to us feeling a little wigged out when we hear about self-pleasure, erotica, rich inner fantasy life, etc. But the truth is, there is nothing unhealthy about having high desire. In fact, I’m all for higher desire partners finding ways to nurture their erotic selves that don’t necessarily involve their partner — it can be a great way to release pressure on the system.

When it comes to sex and desire, there’s no magic number. Don’t give in to the pressure to pick a side; focus on helping your clients meet each other with patience, kindness, curiosity, and resiliency. As you work, notice when your own opinions, feelings, and biases come up. Use the opportunity to learn more about yourself, and about any topics or situations that may be a little activating or confusing for you.

And if you’re not sure you’ll know just what to say when a question like this pops up in session, listen to my conversation with Dr. Skye Henry-Smith. It’s a really fun way to build your capacity as a sex-aware therapist.

The Fundamentals of Sex

Take our Sexual Satisfaction Test

Find a sex therapist near me

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