Why Relationships Matter

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Creating a safe environment sets the stage for a productive conversation.

Paying attention to your own triggers goes a long way toward an amicable outcome.

Listening openly with curiosity creates calm in the place of tension.

How many times have you avoided a subject that feels awkward, glossed over a point of tension, or redirected a conversation safely away from conflict? While these techniques may be useful to preserve relationships with casual acquaintances, when used with those we are close to, they instead create and perpetuate distance. The question then becomes: How do I address an uncomfortable subject with my partner or child or close friend? How do I begin a hard conversation with someone I love?

Often the thought of raising a difficult subject with someone we care about makes us anxious. We worry we will create further tension – either by causing unnecessary hurt feelings in our loved one, or by ending up feeling hurt and more closed off ourselves. We may worry that we’ll cause more harm than good — either by making our loved one angry toward us, or by overreacting angrily ourselves. Whatever worrisome scenario we imagine, it often seems safer to “leave well enough alone,” to “not rock the boat,” in other words, and to settle for a relationship that is necessarily less trusting and less genuine.

This solution is not a safe one at all. Avoiding communicating about issues that matter to you not only takes a lot of energy but ultimately reduces a once close relationship to one in which you must be careful and cannot be open or honest.

Here are three practical ways to approach a thorny subject that can disarm both you and your loved one and leave you vulnerable to each other, resulting in an exchange that may leave you feeling closer than you were before.

1. Here’s how I feel about you and why........

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